BDSM Blog Hop: Just Enough Knowledge To Be Dangerous

Hey ya’ll!

Man it’s been a while since I’ve posted I know. I apologize, I have been lax. Blame it on the flying saucer internet. It won’t be for too much longer, I promise. But I’m very happy that I came out of my internet anal-probing (-snorts-) for the BDSM Blog Hop. I still remember when it began (last year-yes, I know I sound like an old man, just go with me here) it started off with an idea, someone read an article told someone else to read it, a conversation got started, it got shared on Facebook, people kept sharing, kept talking and before you knew it, a movement had begun.

Many of the most extraordinary moments in history have started off that way. Someone heard someone else share an opinion about another person’s lifestyle, beliefs, relationship, family, child… skin color, and didn’t think they had a right to feel that way, to express themselves in that manner, to act the way they had. To burn crosses. To beat up gay people or arrest them. To toss them into mental institutions.

To declare that those of us who indulge in the kinkier side of life are deviant or violent or serial killers, or unfit parents. That many of us have great communication skills and self-control and most of the relationships that have a BDSM foundation are extremely healthy.

Last year, I took you through guided tour of different parts of the BDSM world and many of you liked that. So much so that many of you wrote to me and shared stories, asked questions (asked me to be your Dom… you know who you are—yeah… you), asked about munches in your area and websites and even other books out there you could read. It was fantastic and really made me smile.

This year, I wanted to talk about something else, however, the two different sides of the BDSM coin. Those who are in the Lifestyle and those who know just enough to be dangerous.

This is going to be short and sweet so don’t worry, and it’s still going to have that Vic-charm too.

Now, one of the things I love most about people in the community is that for the most part we have no problem with people asking questions in order to learn more. We don’t want people attempting something and getting hurt, we don’t want them writing something incorrectly because then people try it and get hurt (-clears throat- The book that shall not be named –clears throat-), and we don’t want people assuming that anyone can do it. This isn’t QVC people. You can’t just buy the package as is, open it and instantly know what the fuck you’re doing. You need training. Everyone does. From the Doms down to the subs. Masters. Slaves. And everyone in between.

So I love that you can find someone, make contact with someone and say “I’m new to this, I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing and I need someone to train me,” and they won’t laugh at you, they’ll just say “Okay, let’s help you out.” Even if you’ve been in the Lifestyle for years, decades, centuries… okay, maybe not centuries, because seriously? But, whatever, even if you’ve been in it for a long time, and something has changed, or you want to learn something new, or train in a different area (learn to use a whip, or if you’re a sub, train in service instead of just pain), then members of the community will do that for you.

There is an openness and a trust there that isn’t found in other communities, I’m sorry to say. I’ve had people in the BDSM community stand at my back and grab my arms (and this just happened last year) as if to demonstrate putting a rope around them and I trusted the person that was doing it because she was a member of the community. If it had been anyone else? They would have been knocked the fuck out, no questions asked.

So, when you are in the community and you have been trained you know certain things, you know terminology, you know body language, you know hand signals, etc. There are things inherent within us because we have been through that training. It isn’t something we lose or forget even if don’t do a scene for a while. Whether we are a sub or a Dom. A sub can read their Dom and vice versa. There are code words, visual cues even within the community. Granted, some of these change as the community is embraced and matures, as all things do and some are resistant, but you will find that there are some tenements that many of us will always hold true to (Safe, Sane, Consensual, or Risk, Aware, Consensual, Kink).

But we twitch (I growl) when we come across what I like to call the “Wikipedia-website experts”. The ones who get their knowledge from what they’ve learned from typing in “BDSM” online into the Google search engine.

“BDSM is a variety of erotic practices involving dominance and submission, roleplaying, bondage, and other interpersonal dynamics. Given the wide range of practices, some of which may be engaged in by people who do not consider themselves as practicing BDSM, inclusion in the BDSM community or subculture is usually dependent on self-identification and shared experience. Interest in BDSM can range from one-time experimentation to a lifestyle.” (Wikipedia’s definition of BDSM:

They tell us that we’re wrong about the very community and lifestyle we have been trained in because “Wikipedia states…” or “Merriam Webster defines BDSM as…” or “Dr. No-Name-Stick-Up-His-Ass says that those who indulge in BDSM are…” and then they caution us or they applaud us or they stare at us warily. Or perhaps they gawk at us. Maybe, they even try to tell us how to do it better because they read a book that they bought on Amazon that was published after The-Book-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named by someone who read the book and tried out some kink, enjoyed it, tried out a little more, and then wrote a book about it all and now the book’s selling like hotcakes.

Whatever the reason, this person knows just enough about BDSM to be dangerous. They know a lot of the terminology because Wikipedia wouldn’t be such a popular site if they didn’t get a lot of it right. They know about things like aftercare, and different floggers, cock-cages, ballgags, whips, hard-limits, soft-limits, negotiations, etc. Maybe they even know about the collaring-ceremony. They may have even found the BDSM Blog Hop and read some of the blogs and learned a lot that way, but while reading these things online and even in a book is great, there is no way you can try to tell someone who has gone through the training that you know better than them because you read something online about it.

There are bad seeds in every community. I’ve had countless conversations with people where I’ve had to point out to them that if you want to see the bad in a certain race, gender, sexuality, lifestyle, religion, age group, shape, etc. then you will. Granted, at the time this person was talking about black people, but the truth applies here too. The number of those who take things too far is miniscule to those who see BDSM for the beauty that it really is. And as my Granny always said, you can’t let one bad apple spoil the bunch. So when you come across an article online, perhaps you read something and it causes you to jerk, or stop and you want to go to someone in the Lifestyle or even someone not in the Lifestyle or merely talk to someone about BDSM as if you have full-knowledge of everything.

WAIT! Before you do that. Stop. Breathe, Obi-Wan. Slow down Arya Stark, before you stick Needle into someone’s neck, take a second to think and find someone who has training and present the information to them. Don’t beat them over the head with it. You don’t have to talk to them as if you know better.

However, you can ask them about it. As I said, we have no problem talking and answering questions, thus the reason for this blog hop, to give out information, to put names and “faces” to those with the knowledge and many of us with the training so you can come and ask us your burning queries. So asking something like “I read online that Doms are robots and don’t cry. Is that true?” Is totally fine. Instead of saying “You said your Dom cried? Well, he’s obviously not a real Dom, because I read online that Doms are robots and don’t cry at all.”

See the difference?

The assumption that what you read online about the community is what is true is not reality. Just recently, as a matter of fact, I was browsing Netflix and was stunned by the number of titles I heard that were BDSM-centric. I didn’t know if this meant that we were being embraced or if every last movie was going to piss me off. Because I know myself (and really, I don’t have the cash to replace electronics if I keep throwing them across the room in anger), I contacted a friend of mine and told him about the movies. He and his wife are both in the community so they watched them together. He called me back and said one word: “Run.” LOL.

So, I encourage you to find someone in the Lifestyle and ask them your questions, they would be more than happy to answer them.

By the way, the question about Doms being robots? Not true at all. Doms are human and they are fully capable of crying. Believe me.

*I will be giving away one free copy of either any book from my backlist, a free copy of Daddy’s Boy when it releases on July 17th, or the first 3 books in the Mistakes series (Delicious Mistake is a BDSM story from Pride Publishing (aka Totally Bound Publishing) to one lucky person who comments.*

-Vicktor Alexander

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Spotlight: Groom of Convenience by Viktor Alexander – #Trans #Historical #Romance #Giveaway @VVeeB

Originally posted on :

Large Groom of Convenience Photo

Title: Groom of Convenience (Scandalous Whispers of the Remmington Realm #1)
Author Name: Vicktor Alexander
Publication Date & Length: October 17, 2014 – 300 pgs


In an alternate universe, in the country of Angland, 1814, the gentry live lives of culture and class. It is a time of courtships, marriages of convenience, and titles, where scandal can ruin an entire family. Gender lines are blurred, and making a good match is of utmost importance. Children are born to men and women, which has led to the acceptance of same-sex marriages.

Lady Lucien Timothy Hawthorne is shocked and angry when he is betrothed against his will to Lord Heathcliff Eddington, III, the Duke of Pompinshire. While drowning his frustration at a popular gentleman’s club, he meets “Robert,” a gorgeous older man whom he sleeps with as “Timmy,” regardless of the potential damage to his reputation.

After their liaison…

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The Alpha King Blog Tour

I am doing a blog tour and I’d love to have you all join me! Especially since there’s a $10 GC Giveaway!

Here are the details:

Tour Dates/Tour Stops:


Scattered Thoughts & Rogue Words

Tara Lain


MM Good Book Reviews

Carly’s Book Reviews

Amanda C. Stone


Queer Town Abbey

EE Montgomery

Cate Ashwood

My Fiction Nook

Love Bytes


Multitasking Mommas

Fallen Angel Reviews

Inked Rainbow Reads


Wicked Wolves and Dreaming Dragons

Molly Lolly

Parker Williams



Vicktor "Vic" Alexander:

I am a part of this wonderful anthology with a story called Esperanza and would love for you to buy this amazing book and be able to donate to a worthy cause at the same time.

Happy Thanksgiving!

-Vicktor Alexander

Originally posted on piper vaughn:

Happy Thanksgiving to my friends in the U.S.! I hope the holiday treats you well, and that if you want to be with your friends or family to celebrate, you’re able to do so. ♥

This time of year, being that I’m from Chicago, I think a lot about the homeless and the weather conditions they’ll be subjected to as winter rolls in full force. I know a lot of the homeless out there are GLBTQ youth.

Last year, I pitched an idea to one of my publishers, Less Than Three Press, about releasing a charity anthology to collect money for Project Fierce Chicago, which aims to reduce GLBTQ homelessness in the city by providing free transitional housing and support services to GLBTQ young adults. That anthology came out in July of this year. So far, in addition to donating the royalties I’d earned from Amazon for “Wanting” before Amazon…

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Guest Post and Giveaway: Groom of Convenience by Vicktor Alexander

Vicktor "Vic" Alexander:

I’m over at The Novel Approach talking about Groom Of Convenience, Scandalous Whispers Of The Remmington Realm, and how I write outside the lines/box of the genre. There’s even a giveaway!

Originally posted on The Novel Approach :


Line? What Line? I Don’t See No Freakin’ Line

First of all I want to thank the Novel Approach for having me here today. Yay!! I’m so excited to be on this site. Everything’s so shiny. –touches everything- -breaks a vase- I’m totally going to pay for that. Promise.

Anyway. When I talked to Lisa about doing a blog post for the site, especially since I wanted to feature my newest release, Groom Of Convenience, I told her, honestly, that I had no idea what to write about. When she suggested that I write about the book, its characters, and why I liked to shake things up a bit in the romance genre with creative settings, storylines and characters, I knew that she understood me. I also knew that I had definitely found my blog topic.

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Monday Meets: Vicktor Alexander and a Giveaway

Vicktor "Vic" Alexander:

I’m over at Brynn Stein’s blog today.

Originally posted on Stein's Station:

Groom of Convenience pic 1

Groom of Convenience pic 2

Excerpt (From Groom of Convenience):

“Here we are,” Rosemary announced, her voice louder than normal, with a false cheeriness to it. Lucien’s eyebrows rose at his mother’s behavior, and he stopped her in front of the closed doors, which once again let Lucien know something or someone was behind those doors that his parents didn’t want him to know about until they’d had a chance to explain it to him.

“Mother, what is going on?” Lucien asked her. Rosemary looked at Lucien and shook her head. “Why, Luce, absolutely nothing. Why would you ask me something like that?”

Lucien was really concerned, as neither of his parents used his nickname. Ever. He said nothing to her, just staring, unmoving. Rosemary removed her hand from Lucien’s elbow and raised it to the pearls hanging at her neck to play with them a moment. Lucien was very aware of that gesture…

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Thank You

Thank you so much to Lila who nominated Groom Of Convenience for Best Historical and Best Family Drama for the Goodreads M/M Romance Group Member Choice Awards!

I am continuously humbled by you, the readers. Where I agonized and fretted over the release of this book, you have made it a Bestseller at Dreamspinner, Amazon, and ARe. You have nominated it for awards, you encourage others to read it, but even more than that (and this to me is the greatest thing ever) you have told me how much you loved the book, how it touched it you and how you’re looking forward to the next one.

And thank you to Holly who nominated It’s You, Then Breathing for Best Love’s Landscapes Story and Best Coach/Athlete. I wrote the story for you and I’m beyond happy that it touched you so much that you wanted to nominate it for awards (and wrote a haiku about it too! Wow!)

Thank you so much. It has been a pleasure always pushing those lines and boundaries with my readers and I’m so glad you all have gone with me on this ride. Thank you for nominating me. I am so humbled by this.



-Vicktor Alexander

Where Author Vicktor Alexander Ties Up Romance and Makes It Say His Name


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