BDSM Blog Hop 4: Aftercare & Dom Wannabes

Welcome to Part 4 of the BDSM Blog Hop!

Today’s post is a very important one to me. It’s one that deals with Aftercare and how to spot a “wannabe.” I’m going to tell you why Aftercare is so important and why I have such an issue with wannabes. If you ever want to hear my Alpha wolf growl just get me around a wannabe Dom or talk about one and you’ll hear it.

But first, your questions!

 

Sarah Testarossa:

Are there any activities that some people into BDSM engage in that you think should not be considered part of safe, sane, consensual BDSM? What are they and why?

Knifeplay, fireplay, needle or sharpsplay, bloodplay… I understand and fully support that not everyone’s kink is the same and that some people get off on different things and even that some people’s submission needs a different type of dominance. A more extreme type. But for me there is nothing “safe” or “sane” about these things even if they are consensual.

Then again I feel the same way about scat-play. Ummm… no, thank you. Excrement is not safe, especially if it’s accidentally ingested and I don’t think playing with it is too sane.

But again, this is just my opinion. As long as the persons involved are being safe and I do mean being extremely safe, sane and everyone is a consenting adult, then to each his or her own.

 

What misconceptions about the lifestyle frustrate/anger/upset you most and why?

LOL. There are a few:

21_lo by die_knippserin, via Flickr

  1. That all Doms are cold, unfeeling bastards. That we aren’t insecure, suffer from low self-esteem, have doubts, or are romantic. That we’re hard-nosed dictators who need a sub or sub(s) to help us have fun or experience love. This is a misconception that has been encouraged in a lot of romance books as well. Not to to say that there aren’t Doms out there for whom this description fits, but most Doms are caring, if a bit gruff, sometimes, (ie. me without coffee or a smoke) selfless, giving individuals who enjoy having control. We are still human. We are still flawed and imperfect and there are still aspects to our personality that are soft, loving, gentle, and romantic, in spite of our need to dominate and control.
  2. That all Doms are sadists, rapists, or potential serial killers. Guess what? My name is not Christian Gray. I’m not someone who gets off on what essentially constitutes rape or abuse because there is a lack of negotiation, safewords, etc. I don’t enjoy my sub(s) not having any power in a particular situation. Even if there is a “rape fantasy”, the sub can safeword and make it end. I get a thrill over having my sub trust me, have faith in me enough to relinquish their control. I get off on caring for my sub(s) through my domination. I’m not a sadistic rapist or a potential serial killer. Doms aren’t generally the ones that you find out that are killing people. It’s the sweet, gentle, nice, “vanilla” folks. LOL. But no, seriously. Doms are not the bad guys/gals.
  3. That subs are weak or freaks for wanting to relinquish their control, for needing domination and restriction, for needing pain or sensation or to be needed by someone. There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG with being a sub. There is nothing wrong with needing a Dom, with needing to relinquish control or having someone dominate you. It doesn’t make you weak or a freak. As a matter of fact there are two articles I want to mention here. One from Huffington Post entitled: BDSM Correlated With Better Mental Health, Says Study and another from LiveScience entitled: Bondage Benefits: BDSM Practitioners Healthier Than ‘Vanilla’ People where studies have shown that those who are a part of the Lifestyle are actually healthier mentally than those who do not. Why? “According to Reuters, BDSM-friendly participants were found to be less neurotic, more open, more aware of and sensitive to rejection, more secure in their relationships and have better overall well-being.” “Andreas Wismeijer, a psychologist at Nyenrode Business University in the Netherlands and the lead author on the study, told LiveScience that people involved in the BDSM community may have scored better on these surveys because they tend to be more aware of and communicative about their sexual desires, or because they have done some “hard psychological work” to accept and live with sexual needs that are beyond the scope of what is often considered socially acceptable to discuss in the mainstream.” “BDSM practitioners don’t appear to be more troubled than the general population. They were more extroverted, more open to new experiences and more conscientious than vanilla participants; they were also less neurotic, a personality trait marked by anxiety. BDSM aficionados also scored lower than the general public on rejection sensitivity, a measure of how paranoid people are about others disliking them. People in the BDSM scene reported higher levels of well-being in the past two weeks than people outside it, and they reported more secure feelings of attachment in their relationships, the researchers found. Of the BDSM practitioners, 33 percent of the men reported being submissive, 48 percent dominant and 18 percent “switch,” or willing to switch between submissive and dominant roles in bed. About 75 percent of the female BDSM respondents were submissive, 8 percent dominant and 16 percent switch. These roles showed some links to psychological health, such that dominants tended to score highest in all quarters, submissives lowest and switches in the middle. However, submissives never scored lower than vanilla participants on mental health, and frequently scored higher, Wismeijer told LiveScience. “Within the BDSM community, [submissives] were always perceived as the most vulnerable, but still, there was not one finding in which the submissives scored less favorable than the controls,” he said.”
  4. That all submissives enjoy pain. Not. True. Some submissives are into sensation play: ice, feathers, Wartenburg wheel (see the image above). Some submissives are into service. They want to serve their Dominant and that’s all. Not every sub wants to be tied up and whipped and fucked or even treated like a puppy. Every submissive is different, every Dom is different. Which makes every D/s, M/s, S/M relationship unique.
  5. That every Dom is a Top and every sub is a bottom. There are switches within the community, but not only that, you know the expression “Topping from the bottom”? It is completely possible for a Dom to enjoy being fucked or for a sub to enjoy being tied up while their Dom uses their cock for their own pleasure.
  6. That everyone who wears leather is into BDSM. No. Once again this is incorrect. There are bikers who are not into the Lifestyle but they wear leather. Leather is not mutually exclusive to the community. There are Doms who wear suits, jeans, lace, hell, even pastoral robes. You can’t make a judgement based on books or movies. If you go to a munch or a play party you’d be surprised at the different representations of the community found there.
  7. That all Doms share their subs or that they’re all extremely possessive and don’t share. The relationship of the members of the BDSM community are extremely diverse and unique. You can’t look at one relationship and expect them to all be the same.
  8. That subs have been abused as children and that’s why they crave domination. Again, this is not true. It takes a person of supreme inner strength to be able to handle giving up their control to another. To be able to trust someone to that degree. While there are some subs who have been abused as children, this is not a “pre-requisite.”
  9. That all D/s relationships involve sex and penetration. Sorry to disappoint you. Sometimes the Dom and sub do not engage in any type of sexual intercourse at all. Either because the sub is married to someone else, the Dom(me) doesn’t engage in sex with their sub(s), or there could be a conflict with the sexuality and the gender of the persons involved: ie. Dom is straight, sub is male. Dom is gay, sub is female. Dom is straight, sub is lesbian. Dom is gay, sub is female. Dom has two subs who are married to each other who do not want to have sex but both need to be dominated.
  10. That all Doms have a dungeon in their home. LOL. I WISH this were true! Because that would mean that I would have a dungeon in my home right now, but it’s not true. A lot of Doms either have a guest room they use, they go to the sub’s home, or a hotel room, but most Doms use the private rooms provided by BDSM/Alternative/Kink clubs. Why? The equipment, furniture, toys, etc. that many Doms would need to furnish their own dungeon would cost anywhere between $10-20k, and this is on the lower end of the spectrum, not getting all of the bondage furniture that many of us Doms love to use. So no, we don’t all have dungeons, though many of us would love to have one. We use what we can.

There are a lot more but those are the biggest ones that irk me.

 

 Hannah:

How common is it for someone to use their safeword?

If the sub is just starting out in the Lifestyle there’s the possibility of them safewording and that’s the reason most Doms do not start off with anything too heavy. They ease into the harder things as the scene or the relationship progresses.

The use of a safeword calls the scene to a halt. Completely. Or it can call the relationship to a halt (if a Dom and a sub have a contract and the sub safewords, the Dom will talk with the sub about voiding the contract sometimes, especially if they’re not in the middle of an actual “scene.”) When the safeword has been used, the Dom stops everything and engages in Aftercare, where they talk to the sub and discuss why they used their safeword. They’ll figure out if it’s something that can be rectified, something that needs to be removed (ie, the sub used their safeword when the Dom started to use the crop on them and they just can’t handle that), or if they need to call a halt to their association.

What usually happens, however, is that subs will use a “slow down” word. Maybe they are starting to feel overwhelmed, maybe the pain is starting to be too much and they’re slipping out of subspace, maybe they don’t want to call a halt to the scene but they don’t want to be whipped either. So they’ll use a word that tells the Dom to slow down, take a few steps back, but to continue the scene at a softer, slower pace. So if you have Green, Red, and Yellow for your words. Green=Go. Red=Stop. Yellow=Slow down.

 

What characteristics do you look for in a good Dom/Domme?

Well, I don’t actually look for a Dom(me) since I’m a Dom myself. LOL. But when it comes to looking for a good Dom(me) there are certain characteristics that you should look for:

From Mistress Di’s Website:

Acceptance

Acceptance of self, what is within yourself, what your wants needs and desires are. Acceptance of your limitations and those of your submissive. The ability to accept another human being for the person they are, including their shortcomings and especially to accept your own. Accepting what being a dominant is to the individual and not being ashamed or intimidated by the needs within, but happy in one’s mind set.

Communication

This is the ability to talk and discuss things. It is an integral part of any relationship, but an absolute necessity within a D/s bond. A dominant should have the skills to communicate their needs, wants, desires, fears, thoughts, limits or whatever else comes along. The ability to talk also calls into play the honesty and truthfulness of the dominant. Once communication is open it should remain that way, and will do so provided the dominant does not stop communicating honestly. To not communicate is to endanger yourself physically (by not telling the submissive your experience and other necessities) and emotionally.

Compassion

The ability to see and at least attempt to understand the emotional aspects of your submissive’s psyche. To understand and be aware of the multitude of things within reality that can affect a submissive physically, emotionally and mentally. To be able to apply that understanding to the many situations that arise within daily life that may prevent your submissive from serving to the best of their abilities. Using compassion wisely to allow you to aide your submissive, support him/ her during times of stress shows that you are truly a well rounded dominant. One who realises that a dominant and a submissive are people too. Without compassion you are not a dominant, only a sadist.

Courtesy

This one is fairly self-explanatory but many people have asked me for specifics on courtesy. It is the ability to show proper manners, i.e. “pleases” and “thank you’s”. To address someone with a respectful tone of voice. A dominant should show courtesy to his/ her submissive and other submissives around them. Just because you are a dominant does not give you the right to be rude or cruel. This includes courtesy to your peers.

Grace

Elegance in the manner a dominant presents themselves is an important and desirable personality trait that many submissives say they prefer. The way a dominant carries themselves, their style of play, no matter how graphic, should still flow with style and grace. Their actions should not be overly hesitant, stilted or confused. If this is lacking as an inherent ability, the dominant should be willing to learn and grow in this area.

whips by ikkio_too, via Flickr

Image by Ikkio_too from Flickr

Dominance

This is the most important trait in a dominant. It is the inherent natural ability to lead. To exert control in a respectful, intelligent and humble manner. The strength of character, which allows you to exert the control necessary in a power, exchange relationship. The ability to care for another person’s entire well being.

Honesty

Personally I feel this shouldn’t need to be said, but there are far too many people who lack honesty so it has to be said. Honesty is the ability to speak up, be open and truthful about what you say. Don’t hide your emotions, fears, limits, fantasies, ideas and thoughts. Don’t tell the submissive what you think he/ she wants to hear. Honesty is the basis of trust, without it; there is no trust. And without the trust, there is no true relationship. A successful dominant is an honest one, one that does not lie or attempt to deceive. One who is truthful when he/ she speaks. Most important is to be honest about your level of experience. To lie is to endanger the very life of a submissive.

Humility

This is basically the ability to see yourself as fallible. To see yourself as a person, not just a dominant. To see that sometimes in reality your needs must be set aside for the better of the relationship. A successful dominant knows they will make mistakes. They know that they are not perfect. Sure they have pride in their abilities but they also know that everyone grows constantly and they are secure enough within themselves not to need to be the centre of attention at all times. This allows the dominant to be open to learning new things. This brings into play bullying. Bullying is using your status as a dominant to push submissives around without any thought for their well being at all. Bullying is a completely selfish action. A dominant who consistently bullies, will turn submissives away from them and lose the respect of their peers. It shows a lack of humility and can also mask a poor sense of self-esteem or a possible abusive person using the lifestyle to hide their abusive nature.

Intelligence

By intelligence I don’t mean book smart, the ability to do long involved mathematical equations or pull apart and rebuild a computer. As it applies to a successful dominant, intelligence is the ability to learn the proper way of playing with the toys inherent in the lifestyle before using them on a person. The willingness and ability to research and learn about the lifestyle itself. The ability to make informed decisions about what a submissive’s needs are and how to attain them. The ability to take the time to learn about their partner outside the roles of dominant and submissive, to find out who they are, their likes and dislikes. The ability to learn what pleases their submissive and remember those things. The dominant should not only take the time and intelligence to know the physical tools, but also the psychological tools of dominance. Along with some basic psychological aspects of their submissive. (Knowledge should grow as people change constantly). There is nothing uglier than seeing an ignorant dominant trying to use humiliation as a tool of dominance. Humiliation is a difficult tool that requires maturity, intelligence, and skill.

Loyalty

This is a very important trait in a dominant. It is the ability to uphold your personal honour and remain true to the agreement between you and your submissive. Fickleness is very unattractive in a dominant and dangerous to the emotional well being of the submissives who serve you.

Patience

A good dominant has patience. The ability to wait for things. Being pushy is aggravating and not being dominant. This does not mean you have to be lax or soft, but to learn the proper time to push and the proper time not to. It is also the ability to wait for those things, which take time to develop and to learn, especially within yourself. To realise that it takes time for a submissive to learn all the intricacies of serving you and having the patience to teach the submissive what you prefer.

Pride

This is the ability to know your capacities and realise you are not only a good person but also a good dominant. The ability to recognise your own strengths. This does not mean you should be closed minded to new ideas. Nor does it mean you should be unaware of your faults or keep an inflated ego. Pride in your dominance is a beautiful thing. Arrogance or false pride is deadly. False pride usually masks insecurities which can be life threatening to the submissive.

Respect

A successful dominant will show respect at all times, until such time as the submissive proves he/she is unworthy of such respect. A disrespectful dominant does not earn the respect of his/her peers or the submissives around them. By giving respect to others, you earn it for yourself.

Responsibility

A good dominant should have a sense of responsibility and be aware that they are the ones who are in control of a scene. They should take this responsibility seriously and act in such a manner that will keep themselves and their submissive as safe as possible. A good dominant should take responsibility for his/ her own actions, even so far as admitting a mistake when one is made and not push the blame onto someone else. A good dominant should use this sense of responsibility to learn before acting.

Self Control

A good dominant must be in control of themselves first before they can even hope to control another safely. A good dominant is not one who is prone to fits of out of control behaviour, raging fits and other actions, which show a lack of self-control. A dominant should be able to keep his/ her physical needs in check in order to maintain a scene safely for the submissive. A good dom should also have the self control needed to stick to his/ her guns when they are faced with a begging sub for something new that they know is dangerous and that they know they have no experience in.

Self Respect

A good dominant values themselves, and respects their own limits. A bully does not thrill a submissive. A solid sense of self worth is a necessity for a dominant or they can cause serious damage to the submissive’s psyche.

Service

This is applicable to dominants but not in the same way as a submissive. A dominant serves their submissive by and through their dominance. By intelligently applying their dominant nature, and meeting the physical and emotional needs of the submissive, the dominant mutually serves the submissive. A successful dominant remembers that without a submissive, there is no such thing as a dominant. And that to receive the submission of a person is a gift. The dominant will therefor cherish that gift, and do their best to uphold it and not abuse it. This is the key to an exchange of power relationship. 

 

From the Serving Master Website:

First and foremost, a good Dom has an extraordinary amount of self-control. Sometimes he is so patient that it is infuriating. His job as your Dom is to make sure that you get what you need from him, as well as getting what he needs from you. This leads to the next sign of a Good Dom…

A good Dom will understand that even though he is the Dominant, your opinions matter. Your needs matter even more than that. There will be times where he will have to decide which is more important: something you want or something you need and he will have to make that judgement call.

A Good Dom always has reasons behind his rules and they make sense. “Because I want you to” may be what we’re told when we ask why we have to do something, but that’s not always the real reason either. A Good Dom understands that your mental, physical and emotional health is important as well. Those rules about taking your meds and working out? They’re not for his benefit, well not totally anyway;. they’re for your benefit. Making sure you eat well? Another way to make sure you’re healthy. Sometimes this will even mean asking you to be careful what friends you keep up with.

For example: I have a friend I enjoy going out with, but she tends to be very needy and the night always winds up turning into a huge bitch fest where she complains about anything and everything and I in turn become very stressed out and depressed. Master Jason has told me on several occasions that he no longer wants me to hang out with her by myself. Recently, this became a private rule between the two of us. If she calls or texts me and asks me to come hang out with her, I am either to make certain there will be other people there too, or I am to set a time limit on our evening. Master Jason has not once told me to end the friendship with her though and I don’t believe he would, he wants me to be able to come to that conclusion on my own if it gets that bad, but he does want to make sure I understand why he doesn’t approve of my hanging out with her for too long and why he considers the friendship to be toxic.

A Good Dom understands the importance of Aftercare. It is never “wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am” with sessions with a Good Dom. Sure, we have quickies, but that’s usually “just sex”.

In a scene a Good Dom knows that you have been brought up and down, to orgasm, through orgasm sometimes denied orgasm and then brought back to it again, over and over and over. In a scene, you are extremely vulnerable. The beauty of a successful scene is that you allow yourself to be vulnerable and allow yourself to trust someone enough to handle you and protect you, care for you, love you, while your defenses are down and the Dom gets off on being trusted with you while you’re in that state of mind.

A Good Dom understands that there may be tears, extreme joy and other strong emotions that flow through you for a while after a successful scene (and even more so after an unsuccessful one). Aftercare (usually, but not always, administered by cuddling or snuggling together) allows you to come through those emotions (also known as sub-drop) unscathed.

What’s more, is that there is such a thing as Top-Drop — where the Dominant is also going through strong emotions and he needs to know that you still respect him, are still loyal to him, still want to be with him after he’s made you so very vulnerable and even exploited that vulnerability for his sexual gratification. (And your sexual gratification.)

A Good Dom knows that communication is key especially in this lifestyle. He knows that talking things out, discussing and understanding your views, your limits, your fears and your desires is the very core of how you will serve, how he will teach and how well you two will succeed in a relationship together.

This takes patience and work. Sometimes a submissive will require more work than the Dom can give her, and in those instances a Good Dom will let her know that they aren’t fully compatible. He doesn’t take on more than he can handle, because he knows that it wouldn’t really be beneficial to anyone if he did that.

A Good Dom may also require both of you to go through more painful parts of who you each are. This can be crap you’ve gone through in the past, this could be asking you (telling you) to seek counseling on certain issues, etc. He knows that if you are going to trust him with your vulnerability, he needs to be able to handle it. He also knows that if you can’t trust him with your emotional pain, then he probably shouldn’t trust you with his either. We all have some baggage, but if no one talks about it, then nothing really gets solved and no one learns to grow. Without communication, there will be no growth to your relationship.

A Good Dom does not pretend to know everything about you.

He is not perfect and neither are you. You will both have to work at the relationship, it’s still a relationship after all. A Good Dom understand that. He can even understand you and sometimes it will feel like he knows you better than you know yourself… but a Good Dom doesn’t claim to fully understand everything there is about you either. This goes back to number five: communication is key. He doesn’t read minds, and you don’t either. He doesn’t always pick up on hints you drop, and you won’t always pick up on hints he drops. It may feel like you each know the other completely, but your both still learning and constantly changing…. if you’re not, you’re in a rut and no one likes hanging out in ruts.. not relationship ruts anyway.

A Good Dom will check in on you during a scene.

This can be done verbally (and should be done verbally if you two are still getting to know each other). He may ask any variation of the following: “Are you okay? How are you doing? What color are you at?”

For couples who have played together longer this can be done simply by watching you react, reading your facial cues, listening to your breathing, etc.

A Good Dom may even end a scene before you think you’re ready. “No, if we keep going I will break skin, or bruise nerves that won’t heal properly” or “I think you’ve had enough, little one.” You may not enjoy hearing these things but your well being is HIS responsibility and you are his most valued possession. He knows where your limits are (because you’ve talked them out with him already) and he’s making sure that he doesn’t abuse the trust you’ve given him by breaking those limits. If you don’t want to be bruised for days but your pain tolerance is really high due to the endorphins and adrenaline running through you, you may not realize how hard he’s flogging you. A Good Dom is aware of this and will respect the limits you agreed upon before the scene started.

Most importantly for this one: if you have a safeword, and you use it, a Good Dom will STOP EVERYTHING, unhook you, untie you, bring you down, figure out what went wrong and how to fix it. 

A Good Dom respects the safeword.

It does not end the relationship (because that would only cause you to fear ever using it). It only ends the scene. There are people who choose not to even have safewords, or think they aren’t needed. Clearly I am not one of these people. If I am bound up in intricate ropes and my arm starts to go numb, I need to be able to say so and quickly. For me, this means calling out my safeword and then explaining why I am using it. “RED SIR! My arm is numb!” or more frequently — “RED SIR!! Cramp! Cramp! CRAMP!! OWWWW”. I workout and I like to change up my workouts frequently. Sometimes I forget to drink extra water even though I find routines that make me sweat more. This causes my body, my muscles, to dehydrate and can quickly cause cramping. In my personal opinion, a Good Dom gives you a way out during a scene specifically for this kind of issue. For me, that’s the use of and respect of my safeword.

A Good Dom does not pretend that you are his only option and if you choose to end the relationship, he will not make threats to force you to stay.

He may fight for you but not to the point of threatening you. He will let you walk out of his life forever if you want, even if it nearly kills him to do so because once a BDSM relationship is no longer consensual between both partners, it is no longer healthy. If the relationship is not consensual at all times, then it is not something he is interested in being a part of. You CHOOSE to submit to him, and in return, he fills a void that only the Dominant can for a submissive. If he forced you to stay, forced you to submit, literally and physically forced you… then he is abusive and therefore NOT a Good Dom.

A Good Dom is honest to the deepest part of his being.

Honor, duty, loyalty, trust… these are things that are not only important to him, but things he strives to personify in other areas of his life. He prides himself on always doing the honorable thing, even if it costs him extra time to do so.

He requires the same high expectations of you that he does of himself. He will not flat out lie to you or deceive you or trick you into doing anything. He may tease you, he may joke around with you, but he knows where the line is and he stays far away from ever crossing it.

A Good Dom is humble. He recognizes his own flaws and will gladly point them out to you time and time again.

“I am not perfect, I am far from it.” may be a common saying for him. “I can’t read minds, I need you to talk to me” is his way of reminding you that he may be good at reading you, but he still needs your permission, your confirmation, your trust and honesty as well.

A Good Dom works hard to constantly enrich himself.

He seeks out new things, new lessons, new ways of doing things. He looks to learn about you, about new skills he can use (be they in the bedroom or outside of it), for new ways to help others.

He knows how easily he could become “set in his ways” and how simple it would be to stop learning, or claim that all change is bad… so he works hard to avoid that. Choosing to be sedentary in life breeds contempt and

Added to this, a Good Dom understands the importance of a well read mind, and the need to exercise it. Volunteering your time, skills or money to those less fortunate than you helps you to enrich your own life, a Good Dom gets that and encourages it. He knows that the lessons the poor can teach us are more valuable than any dollar could ever hope to be worth. He understands that helping others fuels an understanding of compassion, loyalty, honesty, self control, humility, and communication with others.

I know this is a lot of information and it sounds like I may be describing the “perfect guy” or the “perfect Dom”. You might be thinking “Well that person doesn’t exist, so I’ll settle for three of these things and ignore the other nine” this would be a grave mistake. And I mean that literally. To settle for less than what I have listed above can be the difference between life and death. A bad Dom may not kill you, but you may wish he had. Some part of your personality, your heart, your mind, some part of you will surely die a terrible and unnecessary death if you settle for what feels good now instead of waiting for what you need.

And finally, from the Power Exchange Website:

Many of the characteristics of a good Dominant partner parallel those characteristics of a good Leader. So let us start with the characteristics of good leadership.

Leadership Qualities

Self- awareness. A self-aware person understand their strengths and knows what strengths complement their own. A self- aware person also knows what they want, accepts how they feel, and can persevere through a myriad of difficulties both personal and interpersonal. This is because the self-aware person knows who they are, what they need, and makes healthy compromises based on those needs.

Self-control. This is a very important trait for a leader or Dominant partner, the ability to control oneself. If you want to lead you have to live as the example, you cannot lead another when you cannot properly care for yourself. A leader has his/her affairs in order at all times, and in the unusual case that chaos ensues, he/she does not lose control, they rise up to the challenge presented them and figure out the best possible solution. Leaders do not panic, they get things done. A Dominant does not panic, a Dominant sees to it that things are done and done properly.

Communication. You can not lead if you cannot communicate, we are not a society of mind-readers but we are also not a society of fools. Possessing communication skills is necessary, and being perceptive enough to know how to speak to someone to accomplish your goal is just as important as knowing how to speak to someone to reinforce them. A good Leader knows when to talk and when to listen, so does a good Dominant.

Honesty. Always be honest, about everything, how can a Leader or Dominant build a reliable relationship without honesty at the very core? They can not, it is impossible. Honesty is a very hard trait, little lies seem so harmless, especially when they get the goal accomplished, right? Wrong, if you are the Leader, then lead, dishonesty will get you nothing but lies and confusion, a Dominant partner should never lie to themselves or anyone else.

Integrity. Always do the right thing, even when no one is looking. Hold yourself to a high moral standard at all times, even if no one else does. You are responsible for every action you take, and if you are a Leader then make sure the example you set for those who follow you is integrity, it is essential to success.

Confidence. Not to be confused with self-indulgence, a confident person believes in their abilities, and that belief is founded on experience. Confidence is something you L-earn. (L-earn = live and earn). A confident person knows themselves and is not afraid to be honest about his/her abilities, they do not need to color their experience with fluff or pomp. They are who they say they are, and live that fact without question.

Clarity. This could go hand in hand with honesty and self-awareness, each necessitates the other. Clarity is the ability to be clear with yourself and others about who you are, what you believe in, and what is most important to you. A Leader is a paradigm of clarity, a Dominant should be as well.

Compassion. The difference between a dictator and a Leader, they care about the opinions of those who follow them. Compassion is essential for the success of any relationship, personal or otherwise, you do not live in a vacuum and your view is not the only one that matters. Great Leaders and Dominants do not assume that their opinion is the only one that matters, no one likes following self-important person.

Humility. True Leaders and Dominants have confidence, they also have the ability to realize the point at which confidence turns into hubris.

A Dominant person, in my opinion, exhibits all of these characteristics. These are hard won trophies, for no one is perfect and we all struggle with our inner demons. That being said, there is more to Dominance than just these qualities, especially in a D/s relationship.

Dominant Qualities

Control. This is more about the attention to detail and enforcement than demanding the compliance of your submissive. Control is the product of attention and care, in the D/s relationship control is earned through action and not through pretty word play. Dominants must know the needs and concerns of the submissive in order to understand and properly control the submissive. It is not something that you just wake up with complete knowledge of, control is an art, at times it is subtle and at other times it is overt, a good Dominant knows the difference and knows when each type of control is necessary.

cuffs by TheLondonHorrorShow

Image by TheLondonHorrorShow on Flickr

Responsibility. A Dominant must have the ability to take responsibility for themselves and their submissive, in all things. This includes maintaining a schedule, being financially responsible, keeping a household in order, and ensuring the personal growth of another individual. D/s is not all just fun and games, hot sex with whips and handcuffs, D/s is a lifestyle and a Dominant must be willing and able to take responsibility for the livelihood of another.

Patience. In a perfect world patience would not be an issue, but no one is perfect and there are times when a submissive may not reach expectations. D/s is a relationship and like all relationships it includes growth. Patience is a virtue in a Dominant partner, it is essential to the support that a submissive needs. Remember that as a Dominant you are responsible for the growth and development of your submissive, an unruly and overly frustrated person can not provide the safe and structured environment necessary for personal growth.

Vision. Dominants must have vision, they must be able to see the goal, and stay on course. Sometimes things happen in life that may confuse the stated goal, it is then that the Dominant with vision can observe the changes and find a way to adjust the journey and maintain the goal. Vision means perseverance in the chaos that is life, vision means that there is always a next step ahead.

Respect and Loyalty. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. As a Dominant you demand the respect and loyalty of your submissive, but are you giving them the respect and loyalty they deserve in return? This seems to be a shortcoming for most Dominants in my generation. Being the Dominant does not mean you have the freedom to do as you wish with whoever you wish regardless of the needs, concerns, and wants of your submissive. D/s is a partnership, if you want respect and loyalty you had better give your submissive respect and loyalty, this a relationship built on trust, prove that you are deserving of that trust.

Love. Love comes in many forms, but it is essential to a D/s relationship, whatever form it may come in. There are four basic kinds of love storge (affection), philia (familial), eros (erotic), and agape (unconditional). Understanding the mechanics of love and the needs of your submissive is important for a Dominant. You must know what kind of love to give and what kind of love to support in your relationship, otherwise you will both succumb to confusion and distrust. Be clear from the outset what kind of love you expect in the relationship and make sure your actions support the development of that love, both giving and receiving.

 

Laurel:

Can I be a submissive in my head? I’m 70 and my husband is 89. I read a lot of spanking fiction and that gets me off.

LOL. Age has nothing to do with being in the Lifestyle. While there may be less things that you can do because of your mature age, you can be a submissive that engages in light spanking with your spouse as long as you both are keeping in mind the Safe, Sane, and Consensual rules of the Lifestyle, you have done some sort of negotiation (“I want you to spank me.” “I want to tie you up and spank you.” “I’m not really comfortable with being completely tied up, but I wouldn’t mind you tying up my hands as long as you spanked me.”) and you have an established safeword (“If I say vampire that means slow down. If I say werewolf, that means stop. And elf means I’m ready to go again.”)

But yes, hun, you can totally be a submissive in your head. Actually, I would talk to your husband, maybe he can give you a small smack on your ass a few times a week. You can also use a hairbrush, wooden spoon, or comb and spank yourself, as long as you are being safe about it. Do not overdo it. Give yourself a few smacks on each cheek and then stop. See if you enjoy that.

I will tell you this though, if you’re a submissive in your head, you’re a submissive in reality, doll. LOL.

 

Anonymous:

My spouse doesn’t understand my need for submission, what should I do?

Never underestimate the power of talking. Sometimes anger or disappointment experienced by some in knowing that your spouse needs submission is the feeling of fear that you are not enough or that you will not be able to give them the dominance that they crave and they will go out and find someone else to give it to them. There is also a stigma attached to the Lifestyle and those within the community that makes those who are uneducated about it, look at us as if we are freaks or disturbed deviants. None of this is true. If your spouse doesn’t understand, try explaining it to them. You can also direct them to any of the blog posts from this hop, or any of the links or books that I’ve shared in my posts, especially the links that state that on average those who are a part of the Lifestyle are psychologically healthier than those who practice vanilla sex.

You can also direct them to this beautiful essay A View on Submission so that they can hear directly from another submissive about the whole thing. One of my favorite parts is this (you can adjust the pronouns to fit the person/people involved): “I am a submissive woman. I am proud to call myself that. My submission is a gift that I do not give lightly, and can only be given to one who can appreciate that gift and return it tenfold. Only to he who has that strength will I give myself fully, because I am strong and proud. I am a submissive woman.”

Anonymous 2:

I want to get into the Lifestyle but I’m not sure how to explain my submission or a collar to my doctor or my therapist without them calling me a freak and taking my kids away. Do you have any suggestions?

Yes I do. There are a number of doctors, therapists, dentists, lawyers, etc. who are understanding, tolerant, and accepting of those in the Lifestyle. Some of them are members of the community, some are just accepting, but here are a few sites for you to check out:

kinkfriendlytherapy.com/

https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionals-directory/kap-directory-homepage.html?catid=14

http://www.lifeworkspsychotherapy.com/who-we-serve/bdsm-kink-fetish-vanilla/

http://www.ipgcounseling.com/lgbt/other/bdsm-kink-and-fetishism

http://www.aasect.org/

 

And now for today’s post:

Aftercare & Wannabe Doms

So, what is Aftercare? Wikipedia defines Aftercare as: the process of attending to one another after intense feelings of a physical or psychological nature relating to BDSM activities [have been engaged]. BDSM experiences can be exhausting; and drain the participants of mental, emotional or physical energy. As a result, one or all participants may require emotional support, comfort, reassurance, and/or physical tenderness. Along with this, he or she may experience everything from an exhilaration to traumatization. Aftercare also may include a review or “debriefing” of the activities from experiences of both the dominant and the submissive.

Some participants may wish to be left alone or have other means of processing the experience. While the desire to be left alone could stem from just needing rest, it could also result from no longer feeling safe in the current environment or situation.


.Common aftercare practices may include hugging, kissing, hair-stroking, cuddling, words of praise or gratitude, or general affirmation of an emotional bond between partners. Occasionally, more “vanilla” sexual activities such as intercourse or oral sex following an intense scene may also be considered as part of aftercare.

It is often thought in a submission/dominant relationship, only the submissive requires aftercare following BDSM activities. However, a dominant may require less, just as much, or more aftercare depending on the scene, person, experience level, and other factors. The role of submissive or dominant is unrelated to the amount of aftercare someone needs and should not be thought of as a metric in this regard.

In long distance relationships, a potentially useful practice when engaged in remote BDSM activities is to facilitate aftercare by the exchange of emotionally significant items which can be clung to for reassurance, though success of this depends on both parties’ level of emotional investment in the relationship.

When I went through my training with Jerome, he made sure that I was aware of the importance of Aftercare. The scene is over and instead of untying, unshackling, and/or unchaining my sub(s) and walking away with just a word of encouragement, or a pat on the back, I spend time, slowly bringing them back down from subspace with gentle strokes to their skin, whispered words of encouragement, praise, and then I apply aloe vera, lotion, or salve to their abused or sensitive flesh. I cuddle with them, hold them close and we talk about the scene. We talk about what went wrong, what went right, what they enjoyed, what they hated, what they want to try again, etc. It’s at this point that we discuss any issues of their day. It’s during Aftercare that our relationship is strengthened even more, that the bond is made stronger. Aftercare is not only important, it is a requirement. Not just for the sub, but for the Dom, for me. I have given a lot of myself during a scene. Used a lot of energy, I have fought with the beast, the Alpha wolf inside of me that grows larger as the scene progresses and I have won. My body is thrumming on energy and excitement. I need the Aftercare just as much as my sub(s) does. The Aftercare of a scene is the most loving part of being in a D/s relationship. It’s the time when I’m taking care of my sub. Cleaning them up, rubbing their body and their limbs, soothing them from their high with my words, telling them how good they did, how happy they have made me.

You don’t get that with a lot of regular relationships, it’s like “Cum and Done.” Some of them are more loving but in the D/s relationship, in a real one, a “normal” one, it’s a requirement.

Aftercare

Image Uploaded to Pinterest by AngieKay

The specifics of Aftercare should be worked out during negotiation. Do you, the sub, want to be held, stroked, caressed, kissed? Do you, the Dom, need to take a moment alone before you can give Aftercare to your sub? These are all thing that should be discussed and worked out before you engage in your first scene.

A good view on Aftercare can be found HERE.

50 Shades to BDSM gives a good Aftercare checklist:

Some of the best things you can do in the period immediately after your scene are:

* Hugs and cuddles

* Rest

* Sex if that’s part of your dynamic

* Have something to eat or drink

* Giving each other some verbal affirmation and reassurance

* Expressing thanks to each other

* Temperature control – a warm blanket to cuddle under, or a cold drink if it’s hot

* First aid – if needed

* A debriefing if you’re both able to talk – otherwise leave this for later or even the next day

* Some people just want to be left alone, others will need to remain close – hopefully you will be the same or can find a compromise

* Tidy up the play area together, clean the toys, pack everything away neatly

All of these things help with maintaining the connection which you’ve just had, and to provide a closure to the scene, allowing time for a gentle return to reality and to normal everyday activities.

So true

Pinned to Pinterest by AngieKay

AFTERCARE KIT

So, to be able to be ready for providing aftercare to their bottom or play partner, a wise Top will have prepared, or have on hand a kit containing some of the most likely things for aftercare – everything needs to be close at hand so that you don’t have to leave your partner while you go in search of a drink or a blanket.   It’s different of course if you’re playing at home or going out to a club, so take some time to think through what you will need and pack an Aftercare Kit.  Here are some things you might want to include:

* A first aid kit – include some painkillers, antiseptic cream, a soothing gel or lotion (I like pawpaw ointment)

* A soft warm blanket or coat or robe

* Bottled water or an energy drink

* Thermos flask of hot coffee or hot chocolate or herbal tea

* Food – chocolate, muesli bars, dried fruit, chupa chips – these all travel well

* An ice pack

* A hot water bottle

* Warm socks

WHAT NEXT?

Even after you’ve both enjoyed the aftercare, and returned back to functioning normally, the euphoria can take a day or more to wear off.  It’s important to keep in touch during that time if possible, in case one of you has an unexpected reaction.   SUBDROP and TOPDROP can kick in up to 3 days afterwards, and aftercare needs to continue right through – see SUBDROP, TOPDROP for more information)

Tip for Newcomers to the BDSM scene:   One of my pet hates at BDSM play parties is when you finish playing, and someone comes up and interrupts immediately, asking questions or wanting to chat.  For quite a while after I appear to have finished playing, I’m actually still in the scene because I’m in that aftercare period, and my bottom and I are both still coming down from our subspace and Topspace.  So if you have questions to ask someone about their play, I recommend waiting for a while until you see them start to interact with other people willingly :)

And Now How to Spot a Dom Wannabe

While these are written humorously they are true and you should taken them seriously even as you are laughing. A true Dom does not do these things and a “wannabe” should be avoided at all costs.

G-Men

You Might Be A Wannabe (Doms)

If you ever use the phrase “A real sub wouldn’t have a problem doing that”… you might be a Wannabe

If you think the word “submissive” means the same thing as “easy”… you might be a Wannabe

If you think leading your sub around by a leash in the supermarket is appropriate entertainment for everyone… you might be a Wannabe

If you think it’s perfectly acceptable to address all submissives as “slut”… you might be a Wannabe

If you think SSC stands for “See Submissives Cower”…you might be a Wannabe

If your vanity plate reads “MSTR-2-U”… you might be a Wannabe

If you enter a chat room and command all the subs to call you Sir… you might be a Wannabe

If you think all subs put out on the first date… you might be a Wannabe

If you think the only purpose for nipple piercing is to have a place to hang your car keys… you might be a Wannabe

If you can’t understand why a sub refuses to meet you for the first time alone at your place… you might be a Wannabe

If you think limits are nothing you need to consider seriously… you might be a Wannabe

If you think safewords are for sissies… you might be a Wannabe

If you think placing a “Sir” or “Master” in front of your nickname automatically makes you a Dom… you might be a Wannabe

If you think R/L is just like cyber… you might be a Wannabe

If you think using lube for fisting or anal play is too kind… you might be a Wannabe (or a really mean sadist)

If you have to constantly refer to the owner’s manual to use your toys… you might be a Wannabe

If you think Doms can’t show their feelings and need to be cold and aloof… you might be a Wannabe

If you have any reason to fear that ATF Agents could confiscate your toys… you might be a Wannabe

If you think the KGB Interrogation Manual is the definitive “how to” book for BDSM… you might be a Wannabe.

If you think sterile needles for play piercing are too expensive to only use once… you might be a Wannabe

If household items don’t inspire you (wooden spoons, clothespins, etc.)… you might be a Wannabe

If you think electricity play consists of plug in socket/exposed wires touching sub… you might be a Wannabe

If you think a bullwhip is the best choice for a warm up tool… you might be a Wannabe

(From ChicoMunch)

  1. If the dominant demands you address him as sir before even getting to know him, much less commit to him…he’s a wannabe.
  2. If the dominant restricts you from getting information from anyone but him, he’s a wannabe.
  3. If the dominant never volunteers any information about himself first…such as his wants and demands…he’s a wannabe.
  4. If the dominant insists on knowing what you are “into” *first*, he’s a wannabe.
  5. If the dominant insists you meet with him within a very short period of time without hardly knowing you or you him, he’s a wannabe.
  6. If the dominant insists that you meet him on his home turf and wants to play on the first meeting, he’s a wannabe.
  7. If the dominant is jealous or gets hurt easily, he’s a wannabe.
  8. If the dominant tells you that unless you obey him, you are not submissive enough, he’s a wannabe.
  9. If your dominant is the strong, silent type from whom you have to drag the least bit of information out of, he’s a wannabe.
  10. If the dominant exhibits impatience with your questions…any questions…he’s a wannabe.

By BDSM-photo - http://www.modelmayhem.com/portfolio/pic/24772977#

Don’t forget that if you have any questions that you want me to answer today is your last chance to ask them, as tomorrow is my last post for the hop. I’ll be talking about the Collaring Ceremony tomorrow. It’s a very beautiful thing.

Also don’t forget to sign up for the Rafflecopter giveaway. One person will win two free ebooks and a free autographed cover of one of my books.

And don’t forget to follow the rest of the blogs that are a part of the hop as well! There are some really great posts.

The winner will be chosen on the 20th, to give you all a chance to make your way through all of the posts and to post your links.



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The rest of the Hop can be found here: http://www.grace-duncan.com/bdsmbloghop

BDSM Blog Hop 3: Subspace & Dom Headspace

 

Welcome to my third post for the BDSM Blog Hop!

There are a lot of really great posts out there for this hop and I hope you guys are following and reading them. There is some really good information out there and in our quest to dispel the misinformation put out by that book, a lot of my fellow blog hoppers are sharing some really pertinent information that those who are curious about the Lifestyle should know. Whether you’re curious about it because you feel as though you should belong to the community or want to belong to it, or because you’re a reader who enjoys reading about the BDSM Lifestyle or a writer who wants to write about it, there are a lot of people who have a lot of things they could share with you.

 

One of the greatest things a Dom can do for his/her sub is to silence their mind. To allow them to let go of the world and simply "be".

Image from Joy Drayer

And now to answer some questions asked of me:

Allison:

Do you have any specific authors, including yourself, that you would suggest in this genre?

This is a really good question. I can’t say that I read a lot of BDSM because of the fact that a lot of the ones I read before were written by people whose research was flawed (ie, no safewords, no negotiation, no aftercare, borderline rape, etc.) and as a Dom I have issue with the way Doms are systematically portrayed in most BDSM books: cold, unfeeling bastards in need of a sub to help them love again and connect with their “humanity” but there are a few authors who have done a very good job with this genre whom I have read:


SJD Peterson’s The Guards of Folsom series

Nix Knox’s The Mormon & The Dom

Cherise Sinclair’s Masters of the Shadowland series

Grace Duncan The Golden Collar series

Vicktor Alexander (yeah, I feel weird mentioning myself, but it’s there)

Jana Downs’s Marked series

HC Brown’s Master Me

There are a lot more amazing authors who have written in this genre, but I haven’t read them all. But these are the ones that I have read and really enjoyed and feel as though they represent the Lifestyle very well.

 

Hannah:

edge me baby lol

Image from Brandy

How did you first become interested in BDSM?

I discuss my introduction into the Lifestyle in Post 2: Here. But my interest honestly was always there. It is a part of what makes me who I am. Just like I was born a gay man, I was also born a Dom. This isn’t true for everyone, but for me it is. My Dom mentor, Jerome, describes it as “Blood Born Dominants” or “Blood Born Submissives.” Whenever I would have sex with someone I was always very dominant and very interested in tying them down or what is termed edging, which is bringing someone to the brink of orgasm repeatedly without giving them release until they are mindless with it. That desire for control, to be selfless and care for others by letting them rely on me, lean on me, by letting me help them however I could, spilled over outside of the bedroom for me, however. I have friends who tell me that I was always the leader of our group. Always the one in control. That they never had a problem turning over decisions and control to me because I seemed to thrive on it. And it exhilarated me. I didn’t even need to have an orgasm with my partners as long as I knew that I helped them in some way. For me it was never the thrill of power, it was the thrill of the exchange, of the trust, of the care that I could provide them. So finding out that I wasn’t “weird” or “deviant” for liking to be in control or dominant was a huge relief for me.

 

 Are Switches (dom to sub and vice versa) common? 

“Switches” or “Versatiles” are actually quite common. A lot more common than people realize. This is because of the fact that most subs have the potential to be dominant with someone else (another sub) in a specific situation, and most Doms can be submissive to someone more dominant.

I’ve been quoted as saying that “Every Dom has a Dom.” This isn’t just because a great Dom is trained by another Dom, but because of the fact that sometimes Doms can get overwhelmed and need another Dom to keep them grounded, to pull them back from the edge, or even to do a scene with them because they need to relinquish control themselves.

It does happen. And then there are those who are: “Submissively Dominant” or “Dominantly Submissive.” These are the people who are submissive to those who are more dominant to them or to certain people, but are dominant to others and vice versa.

The big thing to remember is, just like with sexuality and gender, which is fluid and will not be restrained or defined by those who think they know better, the BDSM Lifestyle and the roles members of the community take on, is exactly the same.

 

Subspace & Dom Headspace

And now for today’s post.

I want to talk about subspace and the Dom headspace. Yes. That’s right. We Doms have headspaces we go into as well, but it’s very different from subspace and I’m going to describe to you the differences.

♥

Image from Brandy

Subspace

“It’s feels like I’m flying.”-Tristan

“It’s like getting a shot of the most incredible hit of morphine directly to the blood stream.”-Rebecca

“All of my worries and cares float away for that moment and I can just… be.”-Joey

“It’s a bit like floating outside of myself. I can still feel the sting of pain but it becomes pleasure and sends me soaring higher into the clouds.”-Brian

“I feel high.”-Amber

“I feel weightless and amazing and the only thing keeping me tethered to the ground is my Dom. But an amazing Dom doesn’t just make me feel weightless, but they’re helping me to work through any issues I’m having. You were really good at that. I was never surprised to be brought out of subspace and find myself in your arms crying and healing from some emotional wound I didn’t know was there or had been ignoring.”-Charlie

“It’s the greatest orgasm you’ll ever experience, but it’s not a physical orgasm, it’s a spiritual one. Your mind, heart, emotions, soul and spirit are all connected and they explode inside of you and send you off into the stratosphere. It’s beautiful.”-Jamie

Image from ASI BDSM

These are some of the statements regarding subspace from submissives that I know. They were either my former subs or subs of friends. I didn’t state their full names in order to protect their identities.

Subspace is explained by “Dr. Dexter” on ChicoMUNCH in this way:

Within the context of BDSM, “subspace” is a an altered psychological state that is often entered into by the person bottoming in a scene. It is not easy to characterize, because each person’s reactions to BDSM play can be quite different — and even a single person’s reactions to play can vary from scene to scene.

Most people associate BDSM with the physical aspects of the scene: The floggers, whips, rope, and the like. However, there are many mental aspects to a scene as well, and those need to be considered during every scene.

Subspace, in one sense, is much like an hypnotic trance. A trance is any period of narrowly-focused attention. If you’ve been “sucked into” a book or movie, such that the world disappeared for a time, you’ve been in a trance. During a BDSM scene, as you progressively focus more and more on the physical sensations of play, the entire world may disappear, leaving only you, the Top, and whatever is being done to you.

At the same time, BDSM quite often involves impacts to the body. During a scene, the intense experiences of both pain and pleasure trigger a response of the sympathetic nervous system, which causes a release of epinephrine from the adrenal glands, as well as a dump of endorphins and enkephalins.

These natural chemicals are a part of the body’s primal “fight or flight” response. They produce the same effects as a morphine-like drug. This dump of morphine-like chemicals into one’s bloodstream into increases the pain tolerance of the submissive as the scene becomes more intense — and also induces a euphoric, ecstatic floating feeling.

Subjectively, subspace is like getting drunk or getting high on drugs. You forget the pain, your problems, all your cares seem to drift away and be obliterated while you’re in this state. Some submissives, upon reaching a height of subspace, may lose all sensations of pain, or become incoherent, making safewords useless.

The euphoria of subspace (or some parts of it) can last anywhere from hours to days after play. Some people can carry a positive “glow” from play that lasts them for weeks. 

However, it is also a state of mind that impairs rational thought and decision making skills. It’s a state that needs to be monitored carefully for the mental and physical safety and well being of all the parties involved. While it is important to take this into consideration during play, it is  especially important to remember this as a scene is winding down and is stopped.

If a submissive goes far enough into subspace, they could injure themselves without knowing it, or continue to ask for play that could injure them without their knowledge. If the Top whom they’re playing with doesn’t understand the dangers of subspace, it can be even more dangerous for the sub.

The experience of subspace is a major reason that subs play within the BDSM world. Aside from exploring desires they’ve kept hidden from themselves, and experiencing a form of sexually-related play that operates on levels of explicit communication that they’ve probably never experienced before — learning to fly in subspace is a powerful and ecstatic experience. It is literally an incredibly powerful “natural high”. 

When a submissive is in subspace, they usually don’t want to come down from it, since it is a feeling of bliss that they don’t want to lose. However, all play must end, and what goes up, must eventually come down. It is very important to understand that learning to fly involves learning to land in a graceful way, which preserves the flying experience — because the alternative to a graceful landing is sometimes rather like a mental airplane crash.

(*http://chicomunch.com/publ/basic_info_about_bdsm/bdsm_101_subspace_aftercare_and_sub_drop_and_sometimes_top_drop/1-1-0-23*)

Image from Ashleigh Renee

Dom Headspace

When I started training to be a Dom, I spent a while as a sub for Jerome. I will admit that it was absolutely the worst time ever for me. LOL. That’s because being tied up, restrained, spanked, etc. does absolutely nothing for me. I was extremely tense the entire time and could never truly achieve “subspace.” Handing over control to someone else is not something that I’m strong enough to do. Because yes, you have to be extremely strong to hand over your control to someone. To trust them enough and have faith in them to take care of you. To give you not only what you want but what you need during a scene and I had the hardest time achieving that. No matter how much I told myself to relax.

By the time I felt as if I may have been able to achieve subspace, or some version of that flying feeling, my time as Jerome’s sub had come to an end and it was time for me to begin my training as an actual Dom. That brought on a different type of “floaty” feeling. I was strong enough to shoulder the care of someone else, to accept the control they so freely entrusted to me and to, in turn, be the Dom they needed me to be. To protect them, care for them, and to provide the domination/sensation/consensual kink that they craved.

That “floaty” feeling wasn’t so much a high as Rebecca and Amber described or even the flying feeling that Tristan, Joey, Brian, Charlie and Jamie described. It was much more of an extreme sensation of being focused. My entire body, mind, and being is connected and centered on my sub(s). The rest of the world fades away in that moment and all of my attention is on the scene and my sub(s).

“Dom Space can feel a little like being high, a little like being amplified, a little like channeling a Gillette, a little like being in the zone, outside of yourself, while more yourself than ever. Like a lot of things that are deeply personal experiences, it’s hard to describe. Altered, purer, superior focus, senses magnified, bigger than usual, more of all the things you usually are. There can be an expanded sense of intuition, knowing what to do. The connection with our partner might feel stronger, more intimate than usual. A heightened sense of awareness can make it seem like we can almost read their minds and emotions. We may lose track of time, the space around us may get fuzzy, external distractions fading into the background.” (http://dominantguide.com/2312/dom-space-is-that-a-thing/)

When I’m in a Dom head space my world and my gaze is focused on my sub. I feel “grounded.” Everything is much more heightened, my shoulders feel broader and I feel this deep connection with my sub. My every nerve, every cell in my body, is connected to him, I’m trying to get him to that place where he floats, where he is sated and happy because it makes me that way. I’m taking the control that he’s giving me and I’m turning it and molding it into something a little bit easier for him to manage and to carry when the scene is over.

I feel like a potter during a scene. I’m molding my sub to be a better “them” when I say “Scene over.” I’m pouring all of me, all of my strength and power and control into them, since they’ve given me theirs, so I have to make sure that they can handle it.

Then when a scene is over, they’re drained and I’m still pulsing with energy so I have the Aftercare, where I’m cradling them in my arms, taking care of them, making sure that they come down from floating and it’s during that time where I’m releasing all of that pent-up energy and finding my own center again. Sort of like releasing the lightning bolts that I held in my hand so that I can surround my sub in the softness of the clouds and then place them firmly back on Earth, with me.

That’s a Dom head space.

After a sub has achieved subspace and a Dom has entered “Dom space” or the Dom headspace, Aftercare is essential for both of them.

I’ll talk about that in my next post as well as how to spot a “Wannabe.”

Don’t forget to check out the other blogs in the hop and enter the Rafflecopter giveaway.

And if you have any questions about the Lifestyle, don’t hesitate to ask and I will do my best to answer.

-Vicktor Alexander

aka. Vic, The Dom

 

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BDSM Blog Hop 2: Safe, Sane, and CONSENSUAL Answering Questions & Contracts

 

 

 

Thanks for following the BDSM hop. Don’t forget to check out the other blogs and fill out Rafflecopter at the end for a chance to win 2 free ebooks of mine as well as an autographed copy of one of my book covers.


There is also the chance for one person to win a free Authors After Dark registration (winner must buy their own transportation and reserve their own hotel room, they cannot room with someone already registered) for this year’s event in Charlotte, North Carolina August 6-10th.


So there will be two winners chosen at the end based on who has the most points from Rafflecopter. They will be able to choose if they want the AAD registration or not.

 

 

 

 

Hello All! The BDSM Blog Hop is still going and this is my second post for the week.

 

As promised, I’m starting off the post answering questions left on Rafflecopter or in the comments from you all. These are the questions that I was aware of by the time I started writing this post. If I missed your question, then I will get to it and it will be in Wednesday’s post.

 

So now to answer your questions:

 

Cornelia:

 

How do you start to learn about BDSM?

 

There are a lot of different resources out there to help you learn about the Lifestyle. There are books about the subject. A few of them are:

Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook

The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Roleplay, and the Erotic Edge

The Ritual of Dominance & Submission

BDSM Basics for Beginners – A Guide for Dominants and Submissives Starting to Explore the Lifestyle

The Story of O (Not everyone is a fan of this book and it’s not perfect, however, it’s miles better than that other book, and gives a very good look into the BDSM Lifestyle for some people)

 

Those are just a few books that you can pick up to give you some insight into the Lifestyle. To learn terms, definitions, procedures, rituals, positions, etc. There are also a lot of different online groups that you can join (I mention some of them below) and the members there would be more than happy to answer any questions that you may have about the subject. Also, never underestimate the power of the one-on-one questioning sessions. You can attend local munches in your area (A munch is a casual social gathering in the BDSM community usually in a public place like a cafe or restaurant. That is the basic definition, but these meetings can also be support groups, host classes and demos and also have discussions and presentations on kink related topics.) and meet the people there who are involved in the community and they also will answer your questions. I do not want to tell you to go straight into a BDSM club if you do not have someone with you who knows the Lifestyle, is a Dom or a Master, or you have someone with you should you get overwhelmed or in case someone sees you as an “available” sub. Because while it sounds hot and sexy in the books for the sub to walk into a BDSM club, munch, or play party alone and then a super hot Dom(me) does a scene with them that’s so hot it melts the paint off your walls, in reality doing something like that is ill-advised (though I did it. More on that later).


One of the biggest things to remember when you begin learning about the Lifestyle is that not every D/s, S/M, M/s relationship is the same. They don’t all look alike, they don’t all perform, react or move in the same way either. Each one is unique because we are all unique individuals. So just remember this: Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Is the scene safe? Is the relationship sane? And is the scene & relationship consensual? The community is very big on safety and you need to be as well.

 

There are also these websites: 

http://www.submissiveguide.com/ 

http://www.bdsmtrainingacademy.com

http://brian618.whyayh.com/mirror/bdsmlearningcenter/basics/intro_to_bdsm.html#3


that give some really good information if you are new to the Lifestyle and/or submissive or even Dominant. But again, remember this is from the viewpoint of these particular members of the Lifestyle. While there are things that are basic facts within the community, there are many things that are based on the relationship between those involved.


If you want to know more you can also ask me. I’d be happy to answer any more questions and provide an education should you desire it.

 

Kathryn:

 

How do you meet potential Doms and/or subs if there isn’t much where you live about your lifestyle?

 

This is a very good question. You would be surprised at how many people are in the Lifestyle around you but you just don’t know it. Much like many other things in life, especially when it comes to sex and intimacy, the Lifestyle is not necessarily one that is boasted about over polite conversation.


I’ve comprised a list of four sites that you can go to and check out. On these sites there is the ability to meet like-minded people who are in the Lifestyle, or maybe even curious, and gives you the opportunity to make connections.


I live in Lakeland, Florida and there is no BDSM club in my area. There’s barely a gay bar here. However, thanks to sites like Find A Munch or FetLife I’m able to connect with members of the community.

 

http://www.deviantside.com

http://www.fetlife.com

http://itaboo.com

http://www.findamunch.com

 

Image from ExtremeRestraints.com

I need to caution you here. Remember that the code of the BDSM community is: Safe, Sane, and Consensual. In order for you to make sure that you are safe, whether you meet up with a Dom or a sub for coffee or anything else like that, you need to keep safe. Make sure that you take the time to get to know your potential Dom(me) or sub before considering a scene with them. If this means that you meet up in a public place for months before you ever have a scene, that’s fine. It’s all about everyone being safe and comfortable. Make sure you know your limits: hard and soft before you meet up with a “potential” and be firm about where your limits are. KNOW YOUR SAFEWORD! Before meeting up with a potential Dom(me), you should know the word that puts a stop to the entire thing. While submissives are entrusting their faith, power and control to a Dominant, they have all of the power. With one word, gesture, etc. they can put a halt to a scene, a contract, or even a meeting. Know your safeword. I cannot emphasize that enough. A true Dominant is all about taking care of the submissive, making sure that they are safe, sane, and still consenting. It is the need and the desire to care for another through the exchange of power that drives many Dominants. You need to make sure that you are safe and the Dominant should do so as well. So here are some tips for you and anyone else interested in meeting up with someone that they’ve met online within the Lifestyle:

 

The relationship between a Dominant and a true submissive is both complex and rewarding for both partners. To be successful a D&S relationship must be based on mutual trust and respect. The Dominant must be completely trustworthy and respect the needs and desires of their submissive(s).

 

The submissive partner must respect and trust the Dominant, to accept without reservation the training, guidance, encouragement,and appropriate correction of undesirable behavior. The title “Master” must be earned and the title “slave” be respected.

 

Never forget…….. As part of the D/s relationship, the submissive submits to the direction of the “Master” and in doing so, creates a potential for abuse and unsafe behavior on the part of the Dominant partner. Unfortunately, there are among us people, those who claim to be experienced dominants who are in reality sadistic abusers who betray the trust and inflict pain and punishment far beyond the limits of the submissive.

 

That is why the initial meetings between Dominants and new submissives must have stringently enforced safety rules. Listed below are the initial safety rules for new submissives. I offer them to all because I believe them to be very important. Please feel free to pass this document on to anyone who is planning to experience a real time relationship for the first time.

 

Rule Number One:

Meet your potential dominant partner in a public place. The first meeting is strictly social and a getting acquainted opportunity. This should be made very clear at the outset, and any effort by the dominant partner to “seduce” the submissive should be seen as an act of bad faith and indication of a lack of trust worthiness.

 

Rule Number Two: 

A trusted person should know about the schedule of the meeting and should be called at an appointed time at the end of the meeting to confirm that all has gone well.

 

Rule Number Three: 

If the dominant partner passes the initial screening, a second meeting can be arranged. This meeting is designed to initially establish a sensual relationship. But the limits imposed on this meeting are absolute. The limits are as follows:

 

The submissive will in no way be physically immobilized, Real bondage of any kind will not be allowed during the first meeting.

Gags or any devices which prevent the submissive from calling for help are also not allowed during this meeting.

Safe words will be strictly enforced.

Nothing more dangerous that a hand, flat paddle or crop will be used for disciplinary purposes.

Slapping, striking or hitting of any kind above the shoulders is strictly forbidden.

The submissive partner has the right to stop the encounter at any time and leave immediately.

 

Rule Number Four: 

A safety system will be established. It requiring a periodic phone call (usually once every hour on the hour) to a safety monitor (friend) who knows the location of the meeting and is prepared to notify the police and the hotel should the call be more than 10 minutes overdue.

 

Rule Number Five: 

There will be established series of code words that are embedded in the safety calls that verifies to the friend that all is well or warns of trouble.

 

Rule Number Six: 

The submissive must call the Safety monitor when she or he has left the presence of the dominant and is well away from the meeting place. A code word will also be used to confirm that all is well.

 

In any D/s relationship, the dominant partner must assume the responsibility for the safety of the submissive partner. If the dominant partner is not willing to accept the rules as stated above, then it is clear that the dominant partner is not willing to accept that responsibility, and protect the well being of the submissive.


Never forget, submission to a partner is the greatest gift one person can give to another. But that gift must be earned and it can only be given in an environment of trust, respect and caring. Without that environment, the gift will not be valued and a very dangerous situation is created.

 

 

More Safety Tips from LadyScream from IMH: If you plan to play at your new partner’s home, make sure your safe call has the address, the phone number and a clear map and directions to the home. If you plan to play at your home, do NOT turn off your phone, and make sure you have the number of the ambulance, local police and a contact posted by each phone, in case of any emergency. Secure any valuables before your partner arrives. If you plan to play at a motel, or a third parties’ home, make sure your safe call knows exactly where you’ll be. If in a motel, make sure they have the room number, and the name the room is registered under. It’s also a good idea to keep your keys and purse or wallet by the door, so you can grab them quickly if need be.

It’s a good idea to keep your first scene light. I do not recommend bondage, gags or extreme pain for your first scene with a new partner. There’s plenty of other activities you can use to get to know each other’s likes and dislikes. Besides, if it works out, you’ll want to save something for later

SAFEWORDS: You should choose and discuss safewords and/or actions well in advance of your first meeting. My recommendations are something very simple, such as yellow for slow down, and red for stop. Never play around with these words – they are your protection, and your safety net, and should only be used when you mean them.

SAFE SEX: I don’t think anyone needs to be reminded about this, but I’ll throw it in anyway. Both parties should posses condoms, in case one forgets. It only takes a few seconds to slip on a condom. It’s takes a long and painful time to die of AIDS.

If, at any point, either party is feeling uncomfortable, S T O P !!!!! Dress. Talk. And then talk some more. It takes a lot of trust to have a meaningful D/s relationship. Take the time to build that foundation.

Class #4 – Emotional Safety

 

No, pain is not all physical. Sometimes, it’s in your head and your heart as well, and sometimes, those scars are the hardest to heal. Here are some tips to lessen your chances of getting them in the first place.

 

Be honest. With yourself. With prospective partners. Never be ashamed to admit you don’t know something, or to ask questions. If you’re looking for 24/7, don’t tell someone you only want to play. If you’re looking for love and romance, be up-front about it. If you are dishonest about what you want, it’s not only you who could get hurt in the long run.

Never reveal too much about your personal life to anyone on-line. There are too many people who’ll use your heartaches and problems for hot online gossip.

If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. Your instincts, once again, are your greatest gift and resource. Use them, and listen to them.

Heed warnings. If you’re told by more than one person that a prospective partner could be trouble, LISTEN. Take into account that it’s someone else’s opinion of someone you’re getting to know, but always listen, and openly ask your partner about what you hear. Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide if you believe everything you hear, but always hear what someone is trying to tell you, and always, check it out.

If a prospective partner asks you not to ask anyone else on-line about them, ask yourself why. Then ask them why. And if you can’t come up with any satisfactory answers, either walk away, or proceed with EXTREME caution.

If a prospective partner is hesitant with personal information after you’ve already given yours, then take it as a warning. FIND OUT WHY.

Don’t get dragged into on-line gossip. It may be fun for awhile, but eventually it will only come back to haunt you. There are people on-line who have nothing better to do. Don’t become one of them.

 

Think for yourself. Trust yourself. Be honest with yourself. And above all, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. (Information gathered from the BDSM Learning Center Basics)

 

 

BDSM Contract

BDSM Logo (SSC & RACK)

JenCW:

 

How did you know at 18 that you wanted into the lifestyle?

 

LOL. Actually, I didn’t really know what was “wrong” with me. If you’ve read my book Chain Me then you’ll remember the scene when Ahijit notices Reidel at a play party, looking lost, confused and intrigued. Well, that was me. Except, instead of a play party it was a BDSM club that I wandered into, named The Castle, down in Ybor, after I’d left my friends at one of the pop/r&b clubs where I’d had one guy tell me that he didn’t want to scare me but that he was going to “fuck” me that night where I “wanted it or not.” Yeah. No thank you.

So I hightailed it out of there and went walking. I ended up at The Castle and got in. Not only did I get in, but there was a private party going on and they thought I was a part of it, so I was ushered down into The Dungeon where I was shocked and strangely turned on by what I saw.

Strapped to a St. Andrew’s cross was this thin, young man, who was completely naked and there was a bigger guy, dressed in leather who stood behind him, whipping him with a flogger while others looked on. I was standing next to a couch, watching, drool forming in my mouth as I got so incredibly turned on by the scene in front of me. I wanted that to be me. I wanted to be the guy holding the flogger, the one causing that bliss to spread across another person’s face. I had always been dominant in the bedroom (it had caused problems more than once with past boyfriends) and had fantasized about tying up my lovers.

While I stood there, I heard this deep voice say next to me: “I guess you like that, huh?” I looked over and there was this big, burly, muscled black guy sitting on one of the couches, wearing a leather harness and a pair of jeans, smiling at me. Curled up next to him was this really pretty (and I do mean pretty) blond man who was all slender lines. I wanted to be surprised that he’d said something to me, but I wasn’t and all I could do was nod my head. “So which one do you want to be?” was his next question. “What?” (my only response) “Which one do you want to be?” he asked again, standing up next to me. “Are you a sub? Do you want to be the guy tied up and getting hit, or are you a Dom? Do you want to be the one holding the flogger?”

My answer to this guy’s question, who would become my mentor and the Dom who trained me, Jerome, apparently so impressed him that he knew I would be a good Dom.

“I want to be the one holding the flogger and taking care of the other man. I would love to have someone put their trust in me to such a powerful degree and to be able to bring them pleasure, take care of them, be completely selfless for their benefit, and to know that they respect me enough to let me leave my mark on them.”

I didn’t really know what the Lifestyle was all about before then, but watching that scene, there were things that jumped out at me that seemed obvious. You have to really, really, really trust someone to allow them restrain you, or cause you pain, or assert their dominance over you. Not only do you have to really trust them, you have to be very strong internally to do that willingly. And for me, at least, being in such a position meant that it was the person holding the flogger’s responsibility to care for that individual and give them whatever it was that they needed in order for them to hand over their control in that way.

Jerome was impressed by my answer, we talked a bit and I admitted how much watching them had turned me on and he told me that before I could even consider being a Dom, I needed to learn about the Lifestyle and find out what it meant to be a sub. He gave me his number and I left. I called him a few days later after I dealt with my Messianic Jewish guilt over my “deviant perversions” and my sexuality, but Jerome took me under his wing. I was trained as a sub for a while to truly have an appreciation for them. To have a healthy respect for the ones who would turn over their control to another person and… I hated every minute of it. I was too dominant for it and it was so hard to let anyone tie me up, flog me or do any of that. A slight tap on my ass is fine, but anything more than that? No.

Unlike most other Dominants that I know, I was trained for a full year before Jerome finally called me a Dom (my nickname is actually The Dom) myself and told me that I was finally ready to have my own sub(s). I was confident because I’d spent a year being a sub, assisting him as a Dom, watching him, participating, then conducting my own scenes with him in the room if I needed him, then with him out in another room (or the room next door if I met the sub at a hotel) and then having scenes and calling him to discuss them immediately after I left or the sub left.

I grew up really fast because of things that happened to me when I was a child, and that really matured me, so at 18 years old I was a lot more sexually mature than others. And really, it was just a matter of me wandering into a club and looking like I belonged (I have a tendency to wander into places a lot) because I was so sick of hearing all of the pop music (at that point if I’d heard “No Scrubs” by TLC one more time I was going to punch someone in the throat).

 

 

BN100:

 

What’s your preferred kind of research for this?

 

I am an active part of the Lifestyle, so when it comes to actually writing BDSM, I mostly draw upon my own experiences and knowledge. If there’s something I want clarity on, I talk to Jerome (my mentor) or his husband and sub Jamie, both of whom I’ve known since I was 18. Otherwise I go onto sites like FetLife, I read one of the books I have available on the subject or hell, if I want to know what something sounds like (like the sound of a crop hitting the flesh of someone’s ass) I just get my crop and do my own research. Being a part of the Lifestyle that I’m writing about affords me a great ability to have knowledge of which to glean information from.

 

 

Penumbra:

 

Male Submission by Viacia

Sketch Image by Viacia

What are your thoughts on people who label others as ‘natural Dominants and subs?’ Personally I don’t care for the word. I think that’s because if someone isn’t considered ‘natural’ then they must be the opposite, either ‘unnatural’ or ‘less than’ and I don’t like labeling someone that way. 

 

I think it’s a badly worded phrase. Not only because of what you said, but it’s damaging because of the fact that you’re making assumptions on someone’s position based on what? The way they walk? The way they talk or dress? The way they act with certain people? Someone who is aggressive at work can in truth be a sub, but anyone having interaction with them would think that they are a “natural Dominant,” when nothing could be further from the truth. When people first look at me or meet me, they might think that I’m a sub. I say “Yes ma’am,” “No ma’am,” “Yes sir,” “No sir,” to those who are older than me and oftentimes just as a matter of respect. I can be quiet and just watch people and I like to help. This isn’t because I’m a sub. This is because I am a Southern boy who used to serve in the military, comes from a big family, and is a giving person. However, when I begin talking to people and I’m comfortable, more than once if they find out that I’m a Dom they say “Really? That explains it.”

I think that the phrase “natural Dominant” or “natural submissive” is a poor choice of words to describe what people actually mean. There are those people who you meet where they are either very Dominant, or very submissive and then you find out that they actually are those things. So you have people like a former sub of mine who as soon as she was around someone with a more dominant personality, she would unconsciously go into a submissive posture (head down or eyes dropped, shoulders dropped, and sometimes her hands would even go behind her back). We worked for a while on that, because I didn’t want anyone to take advantage of her, but she was what they called a “natural” sub. She oozed submission from every pore, without needing to be in a scene at all.

So it’s a poor choice of words, but the meaning behind it is solid.

 

 

Thanks for all the great questions! If any of you have any more questions, you can ask it either in the comments or by using Rafflecopter and I will answer them on Wednesday’s post.

 

Image from ExtremeRestraints.com

And now a quick post about Contracts.

 

 

 

 

 

Contracts in the Lifestyle: Safe, Sane, & Consensual

 

When it comes to the BDSM Lifestyle there are many misconceptions and one of those are in regards to the contracts shared between the Dominant and the submissive.

 

In keeping with our community’s mandate of: SSC: Safe, Sane & Consensual, as well as RACK: Risk, Assessment, Consensual, Kink, when a Dominant is going to take on a sub for any length of time, a contract is drawn up between them.

 

The BDSM Learning Center offers some great questions that any submissive should ask a prospective Dominant before having a scene or signing a contract. They are:

 

How long have you been involved in the D/s lifestyle, and what led you to it in the first place?

Do you have or plan to have a more than one slave/submissive, on or offline?

What sort of relationship are you looking for? Online only, phone, real world, potential marriage/permanent partner?

How much time are you willing to devote to training a new sub, and how much of her time would you require in return. Would you have daily contact with your submissive/slave?

Do you indulge in these pleasures with women/men in “real life?” If so, what precautions for health and safety are involved? What type of safety precautions do you feel are necessary for an online or phone relationship?

What sort of training/education have you had to be the dominant member of this relationship? Have you had experience training a submissive who is new to D/s? What made you decide this was for you?

What are your basic philosophies with regard to D/s?

What are your rules, contracts, agreements, etc.? What do you require of your slave and of yourself?

What sort of structured training do you prefer to use? What sorts of discipline/punishment for infractions? What kinds of tasks do you assign your save to perform for you?

What are your deepest desires, pleasures, hopes for this relationship? What, in your opinion, does the Dom receive in return for his time, love and protective care over his sub?

Do you have any references available that I might contact?

Image from ExtremeRestraints.com

Please read the following checklist. I would like to discuss with you what level of submissive you feel you are looking for. Though I realize this is not a hard and fast, I do feel that we can learn more about our potential as a Sub/Dom pair by discussing this.

 

 

On this site you can also find the Submissive’s Expectations and Submissive’s Rights which can be printed out and given to the Dominant if you want.

 

If your expectations and rights as a sub are going to be met by the Dominant and you understand the Dominant’s Rights, the most important of which is honesty and clear communication from the submissive, then you may be ready to enter into a contract.

 

Before you begin the contract, make sure that you have given the Dominant your hard & soft limits. Some submissives verbally tell them to the Dominant, but I think that having the list printed out so you can have a printed list of everything you will and will not do or could possibly do, is best. Especially as it gives you and the Dominant the opportunity to go over each limit and desire, point by point.

 

Image from ExtremeRestraints.com

Here is a sample “Play Partner Checklist” for you to look over. You can fill it out and have copies ready for any potential Dominant:

 

 

 

This checklist should be filled out by a Sub and provided to their Dom/Top before playing with them. This will provide a quick “head-start” to identifying limits, negotiating and finding common ground for play. Dominants may wish to work through the checklist, to get a better handle on their specific interests. Switches should go through the checklist twice; one persons Dom and Sub interests may be very different.

 

For each item, you need to provide two answers:

 

For experience, write YES or NO next to each item to indicate if you have ever DONE that activity. Mark N/A if it does not apply to your gender. Anything clearly specific to male subs has been deleted.

 

For willingness, indicate for each item how you feel about DOING that activity by rating it on a scale of NO or 0 to 5.

 

NO means you will NOT do that item under any circumstances (a hard limit).

 

0 (zero) indicates you have utterly no desire to do that activity and don’t like doing it (in fact, may loath it) and would ordinarily object to doing it, but you would permit the Dominant to do it if it they really wanted it. (sometimes called a “soft limit”).

 

1 means you don’t want to do or like to do this activity, but wouldn’t object if it was asked of you.

 

2 means you are willing to do this activity, but it has no special appeal for you.

 

3 means you usually like doing this activity, at least on an irregular or occasional basis.

 

4 means you like doing this activity, and would like to experience it on a regular basis.

 

5 means the activity is a wild turn-on for you, and you would like it as often as possible.

 

* Mark with an asterisk (*) those items which you are willing to do only with your current sex partner(s), but not with casual play-partners.

 

Note any additional information which might be important for your Dom to know, in the margin to the right.

 

There is intentionally some overlap between categories. Unless otherwise stated, the Sub is the recipient/target of the activity.Willingness quick-key:

Abrasion
Age play
Anal sex
Anal plugs (small)
Anal plugs (large)
Anal plug (public, under clothes)
Animal roles
Arm & leg sleeves (armbinders)
Aromas
Asphyxiation
Auctioned for charity
Bathroom use control
Bestiality
Beating (soft)
Beating (hard)
Blindfolds
Being serviced (sexual)
Being bitten
Breast bondage
Breath control
Branding
Boot worship
Bondage (light)
Bondage (heavy)
Bondage (multi-day)
Bondage (public, under clothing)
Breast whipping
Brown showers (scat)
Cages (locked inside of)
Caning
Catheterization
Cells/Closets (locked inside of)
Chains
Chamber pot use
Chastity belts
Chauffeuring
Choking
Chores (domestic service)
Clothespins
Cock worship
Collars (worn in private)
Collars (worn in public)
Competitions (with other Subs)
Corsets (wearing)
Corset training(waist reduction)
Cuffs (leather)
Cuffs (metal)
Cutting
Dental work(elective)
Diapers(wetting)
Diapers(soiling)
Dilation
Dildoes
Double penetration
Electricity
Enemas
Enemas(non-water)
Enforced chastity
Erotic dance(public)
Examinations (physical)
Exercise (forced/required)
Exhibitionism (friends)
Exhibitionism (strangers)
Eye contact restrictions
Face slapping
Fantasy abandonment
Fantasy rape
Fantasy gang-rape
Fear (being scared)
Fisting (anal)
Fisting (vaginal)
Flogging (light)
Flogging (heavy)
Following orders
Foot worship
Forced bedwetting
Forced dressing
Forced homosexuality
Forced masturbation
Forced nudity (private)
Forced nudity (around others)
Forced servitude
Forced smoking(non-smoker)
Force-feeding
Full head hoods
Gags (cloth)
Gags (rubber)
Gags (tape)
Gags(phallic)
Gags(inflated)
Gas masks
Genital sex
Given away to another Dom (temp)
Given away to another Dom (perm)
Golden showers
Gun play
Hairbrush spankings
Hair pulling
Hand jobs (giving)
Hand jobs (receiving)
Harems (serving w/other subs)
Harnessing (leather)
Harnessing (rope)
Having food chosen for you
Having clothing chosen for you
Head (giving fellatio)
High heel worship
High heel wearing(forced)
Homage with tongue (non-sexual)
Hoods
Hot oils (on genitals)
Hot waxing
Housework (doing)
Human puppy dog
Humiliation (private)
Humiliation (public)
Hypnotism
Ice cubes
Immobilization
Infantilism
Initiation rites
Injections
Japanese rope bondage
Interrogations
Kidnapping
Kneeling
Knife play
Leather clothing
Leather restraints
Lectures for misbehavior
Licking (non-sexual)
Lingerie (wearing)
Manacles & Irons
Manicures (giving)
Massage (giving)
Massage (receiving)
Medical scenes
Modeling for erotic photos
Mouth bits
Mummification
Nipple clamps
Nipple weights
Oral/anal play (rimming)
Over-the-knee spanking
Orgasm denial
Orgasm control
Outdoor scenes
Outdoor sex
Pain (severe)
Pain (mild)
Persona training
Phone sex (serving Dom)
Phone sex (serving Dom’s friends)
Phone sex(calling at random)
Phone sex(commercial)
Piercing (temporary)
Piercing (permanent)
Plastic surgery
Prison scenes
Prostitution(public pretend)
Prostitution(actual)
Pony slave
Public exposure
Punishment Scene
Pussy whipping
Pussy worship
Riding crops
Riding the horse (crotch tort.)
Rituals
Religious scenes
Restrictive rules on behavior
Rubber/latex clothing
Rope body harness
Saran wrapping
Scratching – getting
Scratching – giving
Sensory deprivation
Serving
Serving as art
Serving as ashtray
Serving as furniture
Serving as a maid
Serving as toilet (urine)
Serving as toilet (feces)
Serving as waitress
Serving orally (sexual)
Serving others (supervised)
Serving others (unsupervised)
Sexual deprivation (short term)
Sexual deprivation (long term)
Shaving (body hair)
Shaving (head hair)
Skinnydipping
Sleep deprivation
Sleepsacks
Slutty clothing (private)
Slutty clothing (public)
Spanking
Spandex clothing
Speech restrictions
Speculums (Anal)
Speculums (vaginal)
Spreader bars
Standing in corner
Stocks
Straight jackets
Strap-on-dildos (sucking on)
Strap-on-dildos (penetrated by)
Strap-on-dildos (wearing)
Strapping (full body beating)
Suspension (upright)
Suspension (inverted)
Suspension (horizontal)
Supplying partners for Dom
Swallowing semen
Swallowing urine
Swallowing feces
Swapping (one other couple)
Swinging (multiple couples)
Tattooing
Teasing
Tickling
Topless Beaches
Triple penetration
Uniforms
Including others
Vaginal dildo
Verbal humiliation
Vibrator on genitals
Voyeurism (watching others)
Voyeurism (your Dom w/others)
Video (watching others)
Video (recordings of you)
Voice training
Water torture
Waxing (hair removal)
Wearing symbolic jewelery
Weight loss(<25 lbs)
Weight loss(>25 lbs)
Weight gain(<25 lbs)
Weight gain(25-50 lbs)
Weight gain(>50 lbs)
Whipping
Wooden paddles
Wrestling

* – I will do with current sex partner only.

NO – I WILL NOT DO that item under ANY circumstances (a hard limit).

0 – No desire, don’t like, will permit if special to Dom (soft limit).

1 – Don’t want to do, but will.

2 – Willing to do, but has no special appeal.

3 – Usually LIKE doing, on an irregular/ occasional basis.

4 – LIKE doing, would like it on a regular basis.

5 – WILD TURN-ON, would like it as often as possible.

 

 

 

The following sample contract(s) says that it is for a slave but the contract may be tailored for the submissive(s). And just like with all contracts, make sure you read over any contract given to you. Being a part of the Lifestyle is an exhilarating and freeing thing, but it can be dangerous to all parties involved if there isn’t clear communication and honesty on all sides.

 

Temporary Contract of Consensual Ownership

 

The purpose of this instrument is to:

  • state the full mutual consent of the undersigned in regards to this relationship.
  • explain the responsibilities and duties of both Master and slave.
  • define safewords and their use.
  • explain the use of punishment.
  • foster a greater sense of communication between respective parties.

This contract is in no way legally binding, and is meant only as an aid to better understanding of the needs, duties and responsibilities of Master and slave.

I ____________, hereinafter referred to as slave, do of my own free will, and being of sound mind and body, do hereby offer myself in consensual slavery to ____________, hereinafter referred to as Master, for the period beginning at midnight on ____________ and ending at midnight on ______________.

 

This agreement may be terminated at any time before the above named date by either party only in the event of breach of contract. On the above named date this agreement will be reviewed, negotiated and rewritten or terminated.

 

Provisions of Contract

 

Slave agrees to obey to the best of her ability, and to devote herself entirely to the pleasure and desires of Master. Slave also renounces all rights to her own pleasure, comfort, or gratification except insofar as permitted by Master.

Master agrees to learn what excites slave through exploration and communication and try to incorporate this into the relationship.

 

Master accepts full responsibility of slave. This includes but is not limited to: slave’s survival, health, physical well being, and mental well being. Slave accepts full responsibility for informing Master of any real or perceived dangers or safety concerns, but also states that Master’s decision will be final regarding these issues. Master agrees that slave will not be punished for respectfully stating these concerns. Master further agrees to listen to slave’s concerns with a clear and open mind. Master shall endeavor not to inflict physical harm upon slave which might require the attention of someone outside relationship.

Slave agrees at all times to make her body readily available to Master for his use. Slave will have hair washed and brushed in the style Master prefers at all times. Slave agrees to wear any and all clothing Master picks.

Slave agrees to accept the responsibility of using a safeword when necessary. Slave acknowledges that safeword is “________” and safe signal is “________”. Master accepts the responsibility of assessing situations where slave calls safeword and will, to the best of his ability, make judgement on whether to modify the activity or stop activity entirely. Slave agrees to hold no ill will due to Master’s decison. Master agrees not to punish slave for the use of a safeword.

Slave agrees to answer any and all questions asked by Master freely, promptly, and to the best of her knowledge. Slave further agrees to volunteer any information that Master should know regarding slave’s physical or emotional state. Master agrees to never use this information to harm slave in any way.

Master agrees to furnish all toys such as vibrators, etc. and punishment implements such as crops and whips. Slave agrees to clean and maintain all toys, have them available for Master’s use at all times, and inform Master of any needed repairs or replacements.

Slave states that her limits are, but are not limited to:______________________________________. Master agrees to never violate these limits without prior negotiation of, and consent by, slave.

Slave agrees to adress Master as “Sir” or “Master” unless otherwise directed. Slave agrees to speak respectfully to Master at all times, including times not spent in a scene. Master may address slave in any way he so chooses.

Master agrees to furnish slave with a symbolic token of ownership. Slave agrees to wear this symbol at all times, except when Master states to do so would be inappropriate or would non-consensually involve others.

Slave agrees and understands that any infractions of this agreement, or any act slave commits which displeases Master, will result in punishment. Slave will gracefully accept punishment and try to learn from it. Slave agrees to assemble the punishment materials as ordered by Master and assume any position needed to accept the punishment. Slave understands that failure to comply with Master’s orders will result in a more severe punishment. Master will inform slave that she is being punished when punishment occurs. Master will explain the reason for punishment either before, during, or following punishment. Master agrees to discipline only out of a desire to better the slave, and further agrees to never punish out of, or during, feelings of anger.

Signed, this __________ day of ____________, 20___.

 

 

________________________________________

MASTER

 

 

________________________________________

slave

 

Sketch by Viacia

 

 

Click the link below to enter the Rafflecopter giveaway

Don’t forget to follow the blog hop: http://www.grace-duncan.com/bdsmbloghop

 

BDSM Blog Hop 1: What is BDSM?

Hello BDSM Blog Hoppers, Readers, Doms, subs, Vers, Curious, Allies, and everything in between.

Welcome to the BDSM Blog Hop. For the next few days I’m going to do a series of posts that will be a little different than what you are used to seeing from me. While I know that many of you are used to me as Vicktor Alexander, author, there is another side to my life that not many are privy to. That is Vic, Dom, a member of the BDSM Lifestyle.

I have been a part of the Lifestyle since I was 18 when I went through extensive training with another Dom, Jerome, who had been in the Lifestyle for years and after a year of munches, play parties, assisted scenes, classes, training sessions, explanations, and the like, I was finally considered a Dom by not only Jerome but by others within the BDSM community. But I’ll talk more about that later on this week.

Today I want to talk about what BDSM actually is.

When I first mentioned to Grace Duncan that we should have a BDSM blog hop, I was only partially teasing. There is a very large misconception about what it means to be either a Dom(me), a sub, Versatile, a Master/Mistress, a slave, or any other member of the community and I, as well as many others who consider this an extension of ourselves, a part of our truth, wanted to put an end to them. With the overwhelming interest in BDSM due to a certain book which many in the community found deplorable in its depiction of BDSM, we knew that it was up to us to shed light and bring truth to those who are either curious, fascinated, horrified, and even to counteract those who try to pain the community in a bad light.

So, what is BDSM? (Bondage-Discipline; Domination-Submission; Sadism-Masochism)

Contrary to what you may have heard, read, or thought, BDSM is not about rape, sex, violence, spanking, watersports, scat, removing free will from the sub/servant, pain, or even about the Dom(me)/Master/Mistress having control. BDSM is a powerful, intimate, relationship between consenting adults where there is an exchange of control.

It is about selflessness, faith, trust, release (mental, emotional, as well as physical), as well as achieving a greater level of intimacy and connection not only with the person for whom you have given your control or whom you have received their control, but with yourself.

 

“Give me your faith and control and I will give you my care and protection.”

-The Dom’s Promise (Jerome, Dom)

BDSM, or as it is called in some circles EPE (Erotic Power Exchange) is the freedom of choice for both partners to enter into forms of erotic power exchange. The choice to engage in erotic power exchange as well as the choice of role are non-compulsive are both voluntary. It is usually driven by very deep personal emotions and it should be safe, sane and informed consensual, based on mutual respect and trust and (not always!) love. Next, the partners within erotic power exchange should adhere to certain basic rules known as the concepts of erotic power exchange, such as discussing and negotiating each other’s wants, needs, emotions as well as negotiating and acknowledging emotional and physical boundaries. In other words, erotic power exchange is role play by free and voluntary choice of the participants, as opposed to any situation where either of the partners has no choice or is forced or manipulated into a role.

Hardly two erotic power exchange couples or situations are alike, which makes it impossible to try and describe the activity in a few simple terms. Every simplification will almost automatically lead to oversimplifying and thus stereotyping. For example, erotic power exchange is often mistaken for algolagnia (“pain lust”). Pain can be, but does not have to be an erotic component. Using pain in an erotic setting is only one of the very many rituals or conventions power exchange can have.

(http://www.evilmonk.org/a/pro01.cfm)

So, in Lamen’s terms what does that mean?

 

BDSM is the exchange of power, or control, between consenting adults. This usually occurs during a scene, but there are those who engage in the Lifestyle 24/7. A “Scene” does not always have to involve pain (think whips, floggers, cat o’ nine tails) sometimes it can be about sensation play (think feathers, ice, etc.). Sometimes the exchange of control or the “Scene” can be about service or just about the person(s) relinquishing their control not being in charge for a set time. Being able to let go and be taken cared of.

At its heart, the deepest core of our community’s foundation, that is what BDSM is all about. Taking care of each other. Whether that care is achieved by the Dom(me) tying up the sub and helping them to achieve the blissful state of subspace through pain or sensation play, or whether it is achieved by the Master/Mistress collaring the slave and requiring them to kneel and scheduling/planning out every aspect of their week, it is an intimate exchange. Control for Care. Faith for Protection. Power for Guidance.

And it goes both ways for while the Dom(me) or Master/Mistress is caring for their sub(s) or slave(s) through scenes they are also being cared for.

It is something that is often missing in the BDSM stories that are published, the Dom-headspace, and the care and affection that the Dom receives in return but it does happen. For another misconception that occurs is that Doms are cold, unfeeling bastards. Confident, self-assured, and in desperate need of a sub or two or more to help them to love again. And while this does happen and there are Doms out there who present themselves as such, we must not forget that Doms are human. We suffer from insecurities, low self-esteem, hesitations, nervousness, etc. And sometimes it is the Dom who helps the sub to love again. If that is their aim.

There are a lot of other aspects to the Lifestyle that I haven’t touched on in this post that I will later on this week: The Training, Negotiations, Contracts, Safewords, Subspace/Dom Headspace, My Introduction to the Lifestyle &amp; Becoming The Dom, BDSM Terms, and I’m even going to give you guys a free BDSM short story (because I am still a writer), but that’s all later on.

And since this IS a hop, I am of course going to offer a giveaway. One lucky person will receive two free ebook copies of any one of my books as well as an autographed copy of one of my covers.

So what do you have to do?

Follow the hop from July 5-13th and leave a comment, pertinent to the post, on each blog, as well as on mine (I won’t be posting a BDSM Blog Hop post every day but when I do, make sure you comment) with a link to your comment. It’s that simple.

But what about all of you?

Now that BDSM has been defined to a degree, do you have any questions? If so, leave them in the comments below and I will try to answer them, either in the comments or I will mention you by name and answer your question in my next post.

Enjoy the hop!

-Vicktor Alexander, Dom

 

 

a Rafflecopter giveaway

 

http://www.grace-duncan.com/bdsmbloghop/

 

Hop Against Homophobia and Transphobia Day: Embrace Diversity & Stand Strong

Welcome to everyone who is here following the HAHAT blog hop! I am so happy that you have found The Purple Fantasy Den. Please pull up a pillow or a seat. This isn’t going to be a long post, or at least I don’t plan it to be. We’ll see what happens.

This year I was very honored to be on the “Writing Diversity” panel at the first annual RainbowCon conference in Tampa, Florida. It’s a conference that celebrates gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, intersex, genderqueer, and questioning members/writers/readers/bloggers/reviewers of our community. As not only a writer but a member of the community, as a transgender/homosexual man I was more than happy to share my views on not only writing diverse characters but why there weren’t more of them.

I’m not just talking about gay, black men, though they were seriously lacking in romance books a while ago, but transgender characters, bisexual characters, intersex, genderqueer, genderfluid, and even questioning members of our community. Is it because these members aren’t still accepted in our community or is it because they are still such a small number?

I don’t think it’s either one of these things. Just as with transgender members, and minority (African-American, Latino, Asian, etc.) members of this community, for so long the stigma and the danger to come out, to be seen was so prevalent, so strong as to be almost choking on us that for the writing community the fear of writing these characters and getting it wrong was daunting. So, many authors did not do it. And this was not just authors in romance but in fiction, screenplays, and on television. Growing up I thought homosexuality was something that only “afflicted” white men and that “he-shes” or what I now know to be transgenders or crossdressers were only white people as well. But that is a lie as well. We are born this way. Homosexuality is as diverse as the human race. Transgenderism, bisexuality, lesbianism, the whole gamut of the rainbow spectrum cares not for your heritage or your genetic makeup and that’s what makes it so beautiful. It is just like love in that way. It’s color blind. Embracing diversity and standing strong in the face of those who say that it only affects one nationality, one specific stereotype.

I encouraged those who were at the panel to talk to those people who represented the characters that they wanted to write about, because they wanted to be heard. And it’s true. Just like the protesters at Stonewall who finally stood up against the police and said enough is enough, the different members of the QUILTBAG community are standing up today, voices crying out in the wilderness crying out to be heard. Begging to be written. Asking to be represented. Hoping that someone will join with them so that their cry will become a roar.

Living in Florida and being a transgender, gay man I experience homophobia and transphobia constantly. That paralyzing fear that someone will look at me and decide that my truth is cause for violence. Cause for murder or rape. Not just when I go out and hear the muttered “freaks” “fags” or even the incorrectly tagged “dykes” thrown at me from beneath people’s breath as I walk by. But on a smaller scale, I get a different type of homophobia and transphobia in my own home when my own family refuses to accept my transition and calls me by my female name, still refers to me by feminine pronouns and consistently talks about how gays, lesbians, and bisexuals are disgusting and are going to hell and how transgenders have mental disorders and need “prayer” and counseling to be shown that they are wrong. It is the kind of phobia that uses religion to justify its bigotry, that uses Scripture to oppress and bully. This type of homophobia and transphobia is worse because while its leader preached love and acceptance, His followers preach hate, exclusion and segregation. These are things that members of the QUILTBAG community face daily from outside their home and some deal with this phobia from their own family, if we, members of the community, cannot embrace our own diversity, and celebrate it, learn what it is, express it, share it with each other, and with the world, then there is no way that we can educate the world and those who suffer from this homophobia and transphobia, those who hate and oppress, those who bully and beat and murder, that they are the true abominations.

We have the power to embrace diversity. To bring about true change. To hop against homophobia and transphobia and all the other “phobias” out there who say that how we are born is “wrong” and an abomination and let them know that it is beautiful. It is here to stay. And that we stand together and we stand strong against the bigots. Whether that is through writing these characters into books, promoting them on blogs, drawing them, painting them, putting them into movies, singing about them, or as Michael Sam has done, boldly coming coming out before the world and declaring that we are one of them, we have the power to one day make the need for this hop a nonissue.

 

So tell me one way you can embrace diversity and stop homophobia and transphobia in your own life and you can win one book from my backlist. I will use Rafflecopter to choose a winner. And don’t forget to follow the hop. Every blog out there is amazing and you should read them all if you have the chance and there are many chances to win!

-Vicktor Alexander



a Rafflecopter giveaway

 

And don’t forget to follow the rest of the hop here: FOLLOW THE HOP

Glorious Mistake: Look at The Pretty!

Pre-Order from Totally Bound August 15th!

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Cover Reveal: Glorious Mistake

I haz a pretty!!!!

Available for pre-order from Totally Bound on Aug-15, 2014 it’s Glorious Mistake, which is the sequel to The Perfect Mistake and is book two in the Mistakes series.

You may commence drooling:

And here is the blurb:

Keith Williams has spent his life hiding from his true sexuality, but when he stops to help Estevian Tucker on the side of the road, he realizes that true love won’t let him run from this glorious mistake.

Keith Williams gets a phone call from his best friend, Russell Heter, about his decision to stay with Xavier, a much older, disgraced former mayor, in his cabin in Wyoming. Positive that Russell is making a mistake, Keith rushes off to rescue his friend from himself and his mistaken fantasy of being in love. However, when he sees a man on the side of the road, smoke billowing from his car, Keith pulls over and makes his own mistake.

Estevian Tucker’s life has gone from bad to worse. A single father of a developmentally delayed son, struggling to make ends meet, disowned and having just received even more, life-changing bad news, he escapes to Wyoming to visit his former mentor, Xavier Edmond. When Keith stops to help Estevian after his car finally dies completely, Estevian experiences an immediate and incredibly inconvenient attraction to the obviously straight stranger. He knows that taking a ride from temptation itself is a huge mistake, but it’s one he makes anyway.

Keith and Estevian are determined to not let their decision affect the future beyond the trip to Wyoming, not just for Estevian’s son EJ’s sake, but for their own as well. But when one mistake becomes another, they’ll discover that the truly glorious mistake was them falling for each other.

 

RainbowCon 2014-Cum… Come Find Me

Damn that typo! Hehehe!

I’m going to the first annual RainbowCon in Tampa, Florida this year and I am on a few panels, I’m doing a signing, AND I’m doing a reading (THAT should be interesting).

 

So if you’re going to be there and you want to stalk… er, see me, here are the panels/areas where I am scheduled:

 

Thursday:

1:00pm

(Salon A) Heroes and Heroines with Disabilities – Do the heroes and heroines of fiction need to always be perfect? How can authors better represent the diversity of disability? Are readers accepting of the imperfect hero or heroine?
Anel Viz, Eli Easton, Nicole Dennis, Princess so, Vicktor Alexander, HOST: Rhys Ford

 

3:00pm

(Salon C) Writing Diversity – It’s difficult to find diversity in race, religion, ability, and occupation in a lot of QUILTBAG fiction. Join our panelists to discuss what it takes to bring the brilliant variety of life into fictional worlds.
Carole Cummings, K-lee Klein, Skylar M. Cates, Stephen del Mar, Vicktor Alexander, HOST: David Berger

 

5:30 – 6:00pm

(Salon A) Author Question and Answer Sessions  - Have a question you’ve been dying to ask your favorite author? Why’d that character act that way? What was your inspiration for this story? When’s that sequel coming out, anyway? Now’s your chance to find out the answers!

 Beau Schemery, Jeff Adams, Stephen del Mar, Vicktor Alexander, Wade Kelly

 

Friday

11:00am

(Salon C) Fifty Shades of WTF? – There’s good BDSM, there’s bad BDSM, and then there are fifty shades of WTF?! This panel takes a look at BDSM in fiction. There will be pointers, examples and plenty of laughs for all!

Amelia C. Gormley, Andrew Grey, Michael Murphy, Vicktor Alexander, VJ Summers, HOST: Gryvon

 

Authors Readings & Signings

1:45pm (Salon B) Vicktor Alexander

 

4:00pm

(Salon B) Moving Past the G: LBTQ Fiction – So much attention often goes to the G in GLBTQ that the rest of the letters are forgotten! No more of that! This panel is all about appreciating the rest of the spectrum and encouraging authors to write more characters beyond the G!

Allison Gassatta, Cody Stanford, Kathleen Tudor, Sally Bosco, Vicktor Alexander, HOST: Kelly Rand

 

Saturday

 

10:00am

(Salon B) Writing Trans* and Genderqueer Characters – There is a much ignored aspect of the QUILTBAG: trans* and genderqueer individuals. In writing, it’s not so difficult to reach out and embrace all manner of character, and this panel discusses how to accurately and respectfully include trans* and genderqueer characters.

Allison Cassatta, DC Juris, K. Piet, Kelly Rand, Sara York, HOST: Vicktor Alexander

 

2:00pm

(Salon B) Rooster and Pig Publisher Spotlight – Join Rooster and Pig for an hour all about them!

Lor Rose, TN Tarrant, Vicktor Alexander

>>Celebrating Minorities

>>Celebrating Minorities.

Happy Happy Release Day: Dakota!!!

Today  just became ALL about sexy vampire doctors with ‪#‎Dakota‬‘s release! And no this is not about Carlisle from Twilight.

It’s got all the sexiness, raunchiness, sweatiness, down South charm, paranormal, dark edge of True Blood, the drama of Grey’s Anatomy, the humor of Scrubs and the nerdiness of The Big Bang Theory with that added flavor of your favorite, sexiest interracial gay porno. Throw in a cute kid, you know in the non-adult parts, and an evil villain andyou’ve got a heck of a story!

-shakes head-

Nah. Maybe I’m overselling it. Maybe it’s not really anything like that. I mean, to me that sounds like an AWESOME book right? But, you go read it and tell me what you think about it.

Dakota released from MLR!!! W00t!

The Sevion Brotherhood FB copy

 

 

 

 

 

Blurb

Dakota Sevion loves being the Chief of Surgery at Gelreen Memorial Hospital, because he has unlimited access to blood which is good for him as an unmated vampire. When he’s called to the ER for an emergency his life changes forever.

Nishon “Nimo” Moore is a single father of three year old Isaiah, a very special little boy, and when Nimo rushes to the hospital because Isaiah has been hurt he ends up meeting Dakota and finding out that vampires are real. He doesn’t handle it well, which isn’t good for Dakota who will die from starvation if their mating isn’t consummated soon. But that isn’t the only problem. Someone from the past is set on killing them all.

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Excerpt:

Dakota Sevion walked down the hallway of Gelreen Memorial Hospital, where he was the Chief of Surgery, while chewing a stick of spearmint gum. His cup of Starbucks Vanilla Latte was clutched firmly in one hand while his other was shoved in the pocket of his white coat, fiddling with his car keys as he thought of the surgery he’d just completed. He wasn’t as arrogant as his eldest brother, Arizona, but even he had to admit he’d totally rocked that surgery.
“Doctor Dakota Sevion, please come to the Emergency Room, bed seven,” a voice came over the intercom and Dakota stopped in his tracks.
Dammit. I really wanted to get a nap.
Turning around and throwing his cup of coffee in the nearest trash bin, and spitting out his gum as well, Dakota headed for the Emergency Room. He waved to a few patients who lay in their hospital beds and high fived a couple of the doctors and interns on his way through the Emergency Room. Before stepping into the chaos that he knew awaited him, Dakota stopped to wash his hands and pull on a pair of gloves. He started walking towards bed seven when his body jerked abruptly and he was pulled by an invisible force. He glanced around and hoped no one noticed that he seemed to be gliding an inch above the floor before he came to a shuddering halt, right in front of the most gorgeous man Dakota had ever seen in his entire life.
Tall, with a swimmer’s build, skin like milk chocolate, curly black hair, a thin nose with wide nostrils and full lips that made Dakota want to bend down and take them in a hard, bruising kiss. This man, his mate, his sufletul pereche, was standing right in front of him, staring down at someone in the bed. Dakota peered down and noticed that it was a child… a young child that looked a lot like his mate. He cleared his throat.
His mate jumped back.
“Oh! Wow, I didn’t notice you were standing so close to me. I’m sorry.” The man shook his head. Dakota’s ears rang with the beauty of the man’s beautiful tenor voice and he wanted to sit and listen to him talk all day. “You must be the doctor. Duh, Nimo, of course he’s the doctor, he’s wearing a white coat.”
Dakota smiled when his mate, “Nimo” started to chastise himself. Who named their child Nimo? Then again, who was he to talk? His parents, Decebal and Adelina Sevion had named each of their children after the state in which they were born or conceived in. There was Arizona, the oldest, by and far the scariest of the ten of them, then there were the twins, Jersey and Michigan, though they looked just alike and could mind speak with each other, they were as different as night and day. After the twins there was Carolina, then Washington, Tennessee, Kansas, Colorado, Utah, and finally him, the baby of the family, Dakota. They also had three sisters, Daciana, Oana, and Tatiana who their parents doted on, but none of them were named after any states. A fact they were constantly teased about from their older brothers.
“Yes, I’m the doctor, actually, I’m the Chief of Surgery here, Doctor Dakota Sevion,” Dakota said, holding out his gloved hand.
Nimo glanced down at his gloved hand and then arched a beautifully sculpted eyebrow. Dakota looked down and yanked the glove off, before holding his hand out again.
“Sorry,” he murmured.
Nimo chuckled. “It’s no problem. I’m Nishon Moore, but everyone calls me Nimo, and this is my son, Isaiah Moore. I call him Zay. He’s three and his daycare called me to tell me that he fell and cut his forehead on the teacher’s desk.”
Dakota nodded. Nimo seemed very calm which was good; most parents were hysterical when their young children were brought in with head wounds since they bled so much. When Dakota walked around he realized why Nimo wasn’t so alarmed. There was a piece of the teacher’s desk embedded in the wound, which was currently acting as a clot for the gash, but it was also contaminating the wound.
Dakota looked up at Nimo and offered him a reassuring smile.
“I really don’t know why they called someone from the Chief of Surgery down here, it’s barely bleeding at all.”
Dakota nodded and gestured Nimo to him. He pointed at the clipboard where the test results lay. “That is because of the piece of wood from the teacher’s desk. It has lodged itself inside of the wound some way and because it’s preventing it from bleeding, I suspect that it might be buried into the lining of his brain, and that chips of the wood might even be lodged in his brain. That’s why I was called. I’m going to have to cut it out, which is going to cause it to bleed and then flush out the wound so that I can get a better look and make sure that it’s not something more serious than just being beneath the skin as the X-rays show. The tests they ran make it difficult to tell exactly how deep the piece of wood is. Regardless, Isaiah is going to need stitches and since this is a head trauma he’s going to need to be monitored for a concussion.”
Nimo’s eyes widened. His hand trembled as he turned to look at Zay who dozed fitfully, tears dried on his light brown cheeks. Glancing at the chart, Dakota saw that a nurse had just left the room after checking on Isaiah, asking him questions, and checking his vitals, and she stated in her notes that she informed Nimo to not let the little boy sleep completely, but allow him to rest. Dakota looked at the little boy and felt a feeling of possessiveness rise within him as a bond began to form between him, Nimo and Isaiah.
Things happened quickly with vampires. The bond began to form as soon as a vampire was within a mile of their sufletul pereche. He had two weeks, a fortnight, to complete the bond. The bond could only be completed through the exchange of blood during sex with the red eternity candle burning in the room which would cause the two halves of their souls to come together and form one whole, or else he would die from starvation. Dakota had heard tales of vampires who had been pulled to their mates only to find them married to someone else. The thirst for their mate’s blood drove them to insanity and they would bite and drink from everyone and everything that they could and never be satisfied. It led to the slaughter of many innocent people and unfortunately those who never completed their bond ended up dying at the end of their two weeks, their thirst never quenched.
As Dakota hit the button to request a nurse’s attendance, he looked over at Nimo and wondered if he would end up as others had before him.
“Yes, Doctor Sevion?” the nurse, Dakota scanned her nametag, Regina, asked as she stepped between the curtains.
“Call upstairs and book an O.R. for Isaiah Moore, we’ll be heading up to remove a bit of wood from the gash on his forehead.”
“Right away, Doctor,” she told him, stepping back out. She was only gone for a second before she came back in with a team of orderlies, interns and nurses.
“Can I come with you?” Nimo asked, and Dakota’s nose burned with the acrid smell of the man’s fear.
“Of course,” Dakota said, ignoring the looks sent his way. “One of the nurses will help you make sure your hands are clean and you’re properly outfitted before you step into the room.”
“Thank you,” Nimo responded with a sigh and a small smile.
Dakota nodded and once again ignoring the nurses and orderlies he helped them get Isaiah ready for transport and then helped them push the bed into the hallway and headed for the elevator. He was consciously aware of Nimo the entire time and though his mind wanted to focus on his patient and on the procedure he was about to do, as routine as it was, his body was one-hundred percent in tune with his mate’s every breath and footstep.
When they stepped inside of the elevator, Dakota turned his overly large frame in the elevator to make room for Nimo to step inside and bit his lower lip to hold back the groan that threatened when his mate brushed against him. This was pure torture. Dakota determinedly turned his attention away from the delicious scent of his mate and the way the top of Nimo’s head came to his cheekbone. Or the way Nimo’s slim fingers were wrapped around the bedrail of his son’s bed and what they could possibly look like wrapped around Dakota’s fat cock. Instead he thought about cutting into the flesh of Isaiah’s forehead to pry out the chunk of wood that was embedded within it in order to pry it out.
The elevator came to a stop and Dakota turned and pushed the bed along with the rest of the nurses to the door of the operating room. He stopped at the door and turned to go into the area reserved for the surgeons. Pushing open the door, Dakota walked inside and stepped up to the sinks. Before he put his hands below the faucet he exhaled.
“I am so fucked,” he groaned.
“Why is that, baby bro?” Carolina asked, moving up beside Dakota.
Dakota jumped, surprised by his brother’s presence at his side. Carolina may have been much older than Dakota but they were extremely close, almost as if they were twins. Both of them were built like linebackers, and had in fact played football together at UNC, before Carolina had gone off to medical school first, Dakota going to a different medical school years later. While Carolina specialized in Obstetrics and Dakota specialized in Surgery, they still saw each other around the hospital all the time.
“I met my sufletul pereche today,” he told Carolina.
Carolina’s eyes widened. “Congratulations, bro! That’s awesome!”
Dakota nodded and then shook his head. “I’m not sure. I mean, He has a son.”
Carolina shrugged. “So? You’ve always wanted kids and it’s not like any of us were ever going to give Mom and Dad grandkids the old fashioned way.”
Dakota chuckled. Though their parents had told them all that they were okay with all ten of their sons being gay, Dakota knew they still held out hope that at least one of their sons would turn out to be bisexual, or turn around and announce he was just “experimenting” and going through “a phase.” So far that hadn’t happened.
“Yeah, poor Mom and Dad,” Dakota sympathized.
“So this would be a way to give them the grandchild they’ve been wanting to spoil for decades, hell, for centuries.”
“That’s the other thing,” Dakota said with a sigh of frustration as he realized that meeting his sufletul pereche had him so backwards that he’d washed his hands before he’d changed into his scrubs. He shook his head as he grabbed a pair of scrubs from the cabinet and walked behind the privacy screen in the corner to change into them. He stepped back out, walked over to the sink, started the water, and grabbed the soap to begin soaping his hands, being sure to scrub in between his fingers and all the way up his arms.
“What?” Carolina asked as he washed his hands and arms as well.
“He’s human,” Dakota said.
“Oh,” Carolina responded.
“Yeah, so after I find out if he’s single, I’m going to have to explain about the whole vampire, paranormal, mate, two week thing,” Dakota pointed out.
Carolina groaned. “And you have to do it soon.”
“And hope that he doesn’t think I’m saying it just to get sympathy from him in order to get him to agree to it.”
“Or that he thinks you’re completely crazy and takes off running.”
Dakota nodded. “Or does that.”
Carolina whistled. “Yeah, you are so fucked.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence.”
Carolina laughed. “Anytime, Dak, anytime.”

Buy links:

http://www.mlrbooks.com/ShowBook.php?book=VADAKOTA

https://www.allromanceebooks.com/product-dakota-1472650-149.html

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